After a little more than four years, my long-distance relationship is over. I have to admit to being mostly relieved.
I had been dithering for the past year about ending things. The drive was getting to me. I hated his house and his bed but couldn't afford a hotel, for a week, every month. He was generous, helping with car maintenance and paying for my gas, and money was one reason I kept going. Not because I'm a 'gold digger' but because I didn't want to be perceived as one. Small annoyances were growing, yet I still enjoyed his company. I have very little practice with being the Breaker. I'm usually the Broken. I needed an impetus.
It came in October.
He suffered from A-Fib. At the beginning of our relationship, I was there when he went through cardiac version - shocking the heart into normal rhythm. It didn't work for as long as was hoped. Cardiac ablation was looming.
An important thing to know, is that my friend is not medically savvy, nor is he tolerant of the changes in the medical field. He hated patient portals and thought it was the doctor's office's responsibility to know his insurance. He moved from doctor to doctor, expecting perfection. He didn't think he should have to ask questions; answers should be provided clairvoyantly. I became his medical go-to person. I translated medical results. Checked his insurance and medical bills. Sent messages to his doctor's office for him. He relied on me ... and I resented it. Because he didn't want to learn how to do it himself.
He was scheduled for the ablation last summer. I had my own appointments and couldn't go. Someone else drove him. When they get to the facility, my friend refused to sign the hospital consent because of a paragraph he didn't like. He left without having the procedure done.
October rolls around and so does the new date for his ablation. I leave home on Saturday, driving 500 miles to my brother's house. I drive the additional 220 miles on Sunday. His procedure is Monday morning at 8 am. He needs to be there by 6:30. I never sleep well my first night there (see earlier paragraph about hating his bed). I might have managed 3 hours. But I was up and got him to the hospital on time.
It was all downhill from there.
Problem 1 - he was expecting a paper consent, at check-in, not the electronic pad. He grouses about it.
Solution - They print one for him.
Problem 2 - the paragraph he didn't like the first time was still there. He grouses about it.
Solution - I sigh and tell him to cross it out, then initial it.
I sit and watch him read every paragraph, line-by-line. He gets to the end and ...
Problem 3 - He won't sign the part that says he was offered the Patient's Rights because he wasn't offered. He grouses about that.
Solution - I walk up to the check-in desk, where the pamphlets are prominently displayed and grab one. I stalk back to him and toss it in his lap.
We are down to the last little hurdle. The part that he has to sign saying that he understands and consents to care. He refuses. I ask what part didn't he understand.
All of it! Seriously?! He read the entire thing and NOT ONCE did he turn to me and ask what something meant. A hospital Rep comes out and he never asks her to explain anything. Says that he would need to sit with an attorney to have it explained. So, for the second time, he leaves without having the procedure done.
I was furious.
I took him back to his place and packed my bag. I was too, too angry to stay. I would've said things that could've been hurtful and I didn't want to do that. I drove home. All the way home. All 700+ miles. 13 hours, on just a couple hours of sleep. Anger will keep one awake better than caffeine!
It took a week for me to calm down. It took a couple more days for me to decide that this was not worth ending a good friendship over. So I called him. It took him a couple of days to call me back. I thought we had a normal conversation and things were okay. We haven't talked since.
Last week, I got a box in the mail. It contained everything I had left behind. It was a big box. I had an entire wardrobe there. I left it all behind because I wasn't expecting to not return.
I can't tell you exactly why he never called me. I suspect he was waiting for me to apologize.For being angry. For being ungrateful. I strongly suspect he started a list of all the things he had given me. He's judgmental that way.
I can tell you why I never called him.
I was ready for it to end.
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25 comments
The man needs a keeper. I'm on your side.
And he should have gone over the consent forms long before October. He will end up dying from his own stubbornness.
You're right. I was inconvenienced but he put his own health in jeopardy.
@superbjversion2 He seems to have gone back under the impression that the consent forms would change? I wonder if part of the basic problem is that the procedure scares him silly. You were more patient than most and then no more patient than was wise.
@justskin1 I have no idea what his expectations were. I suspect he didn't get past the third paragraph, the first time.
@superbjversion2 And did not have the sense to take the first printout home to study so he could reject all of it.
You didn’t have a lover. You got a crusty old patient. What a mood killer. 700 miles. Amazing. I may be good at 200. He had a jewel in you.
I have family on the travel route and I would stay with them, overnight, both directions. Without that "stagecoach stop" the relationship would never have started.
Sounds like a plan that was thought out... at the end. Good for you.
Yep... I could see me broiling.
I tried to be the bigger person ... briefly.
@superbjversion2 You are the much better person but I cannot blame you if you felt used and unappreciated.
@justskin1 I never felt used but unappreciated ... at times.
@superbjversion2 Feeling unappreciated is not good but happens at least on occasion even in good relationships. Knock on wood but so far Diane has never made me feel that way.
Hugs!
He seems to have put you in a horrible position. And despite that, you were prepared to set his selfish stubborn-ness aside and find some middle ground. From what you've said here you went above and beyond, and he threw it back in your face. Perhaps his 'response' saved some more heart ache further down the line?
Big hugs from Scotland . . .
My heart was never engaged so no aches but I'll take the hugs anyway!
Way to go Chickie. You were driving way more than I would, 2 hrs is my top limit. Usually I make him come to me
Every visit to him included a visit with my family. Without that nothing would have even started.
What a frustrating position to be in... I can certainly understand why you were ready for it to end, tho it's sad it took anger and a breaking point to happen.
I actually was willing to continue ... with the caveat that I would not be his medical voice. But I needed to be met part way.
He sounds quite a difficult man to please especially as he seems to refuse to help himself. It reads as if you've got nothing at all to apologise for. You made great efforts to visit and help him.
I'm pleased that you feel relieved though I suspect the relief is tinged with sadness. Take care.
There is a tinge of sadness. I thought the friendship was worth an effort.
Lets see if I can channel Lionel Ritchie here.
" And now that we've come to the end of our evening, there is something I must say out loud.
Your once. Twice. Three times a lady!"
Sounds like you gave him a lot. You made a lot of sacrifices. 700 miles is nothing to sneeze at and you did it. Stay friends. Stay away!!!
If I can play therapist here, my first thought is that there is something he is avoiding. Maybe there is a fear he has. Something about that procedure that he did not want to go through. But, thats just my thought. My uneducated, uninformed, unsolicited thought.
So no more long trips. No more sleeping in a bed you don't like, a house you don't like and no more small annoyance! Silence is golden. Whether its right there or "silence from that", its still golden and you have gold!!
I will leave you with a quote from one of the "Not Ready For Primetime Players,
"Good Night and have a pleasent tomorrow!" Chevy Chase!
He was/is a person with very high expectations on how things should be done and very inflexible when his standards are not met. I'm not the baby that got thrown out with the water.
I knew everything except the box part. You did the right thing and then some. I'm here for you to talk anytime. Thanks for being you!
The box happened just last week.
I cannot blame you for being so very angry. He acted like an idiot. I do wonder where he got the idea that he would not have ask questions. I admit to saying to myself "How can anyone be that stupid?" and then realized there are a lot of people like that in the world. Funny thing about how some relationships go and how hard it can be to break up even when we know it is not working. I can see why you were ready for it to end.
I sincerely hope you find a friend and lover that lives, say within an hour or less of you. You are a wonderful woman who deserves someone close who cares about the smart, witty, passionate person that you are. In short a friend and lover who is worthy of you.
Sending you big naked hugs just to thank you for being in my life even in this limited way.
No matter how many times I explained being responsible for his own care, he just didn't get it. He hasn't been happy with medicine ever since his old doctor retired ... which was before my time.
You are a much better person than I am since I wouldn't have made the drive knowing he refused the surgery because of a paragraph in a fucking consent form that is handed to everybody so the hospital can cover their ass. It's never about the patient and grousing about it is never going to change it.
To be fair, I didn't like the paragraph either. It was about consenting to non-FDA approved medications. I had the advantage in knowing that portions of consents can be crossed out. What was extra aggravating was him walking out the second time.
@superbjversion2
I didn't know that using non-FDA medications was even legal, unless if it was use for clinical trials. That's messed up.
Yeeeees important
One can only tolerate so much!
WOW, at least you have a clear reason for it to be over, and an amply justified one too. I never quite understood how the distance alone didn't prevent a workable relationship.
It was workable because I worked at it ... and I had a place to stop and break up the drive.
Oh, I would have been hopping mad, in your shoes. You drive all of that way to help out with him getting his surgery, only for him to refuse it? Yikes.
I think I would have gotten very impatient with being expected to be the medical go-to person, too.
You did the right thing. Thanks for sharing the story.
I was coldly furious. Not just for myself but the hospital personnel, the doctor, the nurses and the patient that really wanted one done sooner. 8am... there's no way to move anyone up because of preop prep.
Gurl. Fuck that noise. Glad you are done. Go celebrate 🎉 I
If finding a good boytoy counts as celebrating then ... 🎉