What is Desired is Sometimes Quite Hidden

“Submission is not about giving up power, but about willingly surrendering it to someone worthy.”

I have been away in mind the past couple weeks. Exploring the possibility of something beyond vanilla. Being away from sex with another person for so many years now, has made me ponder what is most important when it comes to sharing sexuality with another. It may sound cliché, or perhaps unbelievable, to hear a man say it, but for me I think giving a woman pleasure is often more enjoyable than being pleasured myself.

This has brought me to submission. The thought that it might be quite pleasurable to be in a relationship where one submits to a woman’s desires. So when dominant women have come to my door in recent months I have relished the thought of submission.

The first such attempt at such a relationship ended before it began. Several emails were traded in quick succession. Her emails were long detailed descriptions of what and how things would work. But the emails had a strange quality about them. Something made me not trust them. So I took a sample of one of them and did a search on that string of words. Voila, I found the complete text of what “she” had sent me out on the web. Used all over the country it seemed, as a scam. A scam to shake down the sub selling equipment kits that never appeared or veiled requests for money before the dom would even appear. And they never did it seemed. So I blocked “her/him/them’ and moved on.

Then a couple weeks ago another woman appeared interested in me being a sub. Again we shared emails, many emails. The only problem, she lived over 5 hours away in North Dakota. The distance always seemed problematic to me but I was really interested and she assured me that distance would not be a problem. It was then I asked an acquaintance smartasswoman here at AFF for some advice. It had actually been her blog post here on the site that had first piqued my interest in the dom/sub relationship. Her advice was perfect.

She suggested I should check out FetLife to find someone local if I was truly interested. Perhaps most folks know the organization but I had never heard of it. It is basically the hub of much of the kink happenings in the country these days and revealed to me dozens of groups of all persuasions right here in the Twin Cities. And as it happened that night there was a group meeting around the subject of “consent.” This was the perfect introduction I needed. The folks that came were very welcoming(many were already active in the dom/sub arena) and I learned a lot about what consent really means….how it is properly given and practiced.

It was the next day that my new AFF friend surprised me by writing that she was willing to come to the cities to meet with me on the following Monday. I was super excited and scared at the same time. Excited that she would come all that way to meet me and perhaps we might find a way to share the dom/sub experience. She claimed to have had 3 other relationships in the past so she seemed to not be a beginner. Several emails were exchanged where I offered safe places….restaurants where we could me. Surprisingly she insisted I find a dungeon where we could “play.” She did not want to engage in any conversation about boundaries or consent. Smartasswoman had helped me do some of the homework I needed to do before diving in. When my AFF acquaintance refused to budge I bailed out. Getting together in a private “dungeon” with a stranger for the first meeting did not feel safe for me or for her.

This may have been a failure in the sense that we didn’t meet but I call it a success. I learned about consent and about setting boundaries. I think both are critical here. And I followed through. Now I await the next meeting of the FetLife group the “Minnesota FemDom Collective” and the chance to see if what remains hidden really matches up with my desires.

The red bird