Early Days in high Park...Nine...

This time I stayed out of the park for quite awhile. I was scared. I again took stock of my life. Did I put myself in danger because I couldn't control my sexual urges and desires? What type of person was I?

It dawned on me that I was not only gay and enjoyed playing the woman's role in my sexual encounters. But I also seemed to be an exhibtionist as well. Was I so addicted to this lifestyle that I was willing to put my life at risk? All I could think about was catching AIDS.

Looking back on it now, this was an interesting comment about the power of sex. I apparently was willing to risk my life at 23 for some short term dalliance of sexual pleasure. There's no use in trying to intellectualize it. Sex runs deeper than that. It reaches down to that primal animal part of yourself that goes beyond wanting something but instead needing it, desiring it, being unable to think about anything else until you satisfy this unquenchable thirst for sexual release.

So I stayed away. A few months passed and it was Autumn. And despite all my misgivings I went into the park again. Some of the regular's asked me where I had been. I just kept quiet. It bothered me to talk about what I was feeling. This time I stuck to what I was use to. I blew a couple of guys and had a third guy who had a foot fetish, give me a foot massage which was rather pleasant. Can't catch AIDS from that.

The old habit patterns gradually reasserted themselves and I was back at the park the following weekend. But the fervor of my initial experiences in the park was tapered with a self-doubt of what I was actually doing. My whole life seemed to hinge on getting high and cruising High park at night for sex. And at 23 it was clear that my hormones were running the show. Although I did put on a few shows myself in the park at night...Life was pretty confusing.