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Friday Funnies

~ What does it mean if you saw your wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on?
It’s laundry day.

~ For what kind of dancing should men wear loose-fitting underwear?
Ballroom dancing.

~ What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?
His butt quack.

~ What do you call a pirate’s undergarments?
Plunderwear.

~ Yo mama so fat, when her underwear got dirty and she went to the laundromat, they told her that they don’t accept parachutes.

~ Husband: Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing.
Wife: Wear your own then.

~ Little Johnny was bored one rainy day, so he pick up the family Bible looking for interesting pictures. Paging through it, something fell out.

Turns out, it was a large oak leaf that had been pressed long ago between the pages. He immediately took it to his parents to proudly announce, “Look what I found in the Bible.”
“Adam’s underwear!”

~ Why don’t witches wear underwear?
To get a better grip.

~ What does a p*rn star do to stay calm on set?
Pictures everyone in their underwear.

~ What is women’s underwear a great example of?

You can make something half-assed and it still becomes very successful.

~ Why doesn’t Santa wear any underwear?
Because he’s Saint Knicker-less!

~Yo mama so nasty, when the doctor asked her for a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample, she gave him her underwear.

~ Why did the drill sergeant refuse to wear underwear under his uniform?
So he could have easy access to his privates while in commando.

~ Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

“Since when do you wear women’s pants?” asked one.
“Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!” replied the other.

~ Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?
It’s in loving memory of all the faces buried there.

~ What do you call a guy who fills his underwear with glitter?
Pretty nuts.

~ A guy goes to a costume party wearing only underpants.
The host says, “What are you supposed to be?”
The guy replies, “I’m a premature ej*culation. I just came in my underwear.”

~ Why don’t chickens wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their face.

~ What do you call a lady gardener’s underwear?
Plantaloons.

~ What’s grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What’s grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it’s moved up three feet.

~ How is a lid on a sewer and a pair of men’s underwear the same?
They’re both manhole covers.

~ What kind of underwear do long-distance runners wear?
Marathongs.

~ A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman.
She exclaims, “Wow, what a great chest you have!”
“He says, “Solid dynamite, babe.”
He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, “Wow, what massive calves you have!”
He flexes his leg muscles and says, “Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart.”
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman. When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”

~ What kind of underwear do vegetables wear?
Planties.

~ Grandpa: You can tell if a guy is gay from the color of his underwear.
Grandson: You mean like if they’re pink, or purple? What the hell is wrong with a guy wearing pink or purple?!
Grandpa: No, no, no, white stains on the back side, brown stains on the front!

~ If a woman’s bra is an ‘Over-the-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder’ and a man’s underwear is an ‘Under-the-Butt-Nut-Hut’ then what does that make a woman’s panties?
A ‘Below-the-Patch-Snatch-Hatch.’

~ What do you call a men’s pair of underwear?

A junk drawer.

~ What do tight underwear and a cheap mansion have in common?

No ballroom
~ Little Susie was swinging on the swing set in her yard.

Her mother yells out, “Don’t swing so high or those boys across the street will see your underwear!”
“No, they won’t,” Susie yelled back. “I’m not wearing any.”

~ Paddy’s wife bought a pair of crotch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby’s sex life.
She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.
Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.
The husband said, “Are you wearing crotch-less panties?”
“Yes,” she answered seductively.
The husband replied, “Thank f*ck for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa.”