Taboos in Singapore cultures

Last Thursday was my late Father-in-law passing of 100th day. As Chinese culture with Buddhist rites, the family have to invite a monk to recite prayers for that day.

I asked my part time caregiver SA to come along as both Hubby and I would need help to travel there. At first I asked SA just to bring my Hubby there since he's the son, but SA told me to attend too so we can all go out for a nice lunch together after the prayers are finished. My concerns for her was that she just recovered from a bout of vertigo attacks last month and took 2 weeks off. She only came back for a week to work. She said she is feeling better and no problem handling our manual wheelchairs putting and taking out from her car boot.

We made our way to the Columbarium in the west. It was really a hot afternoon and not so windy. Fortunately there's shelter for us. SA is not a Chinese so it was her first time to see a columbarium, as her religion only allowed burial and not cremation. We shared about our cultural beliefs on death which is quite informative. And I also asked her if her religion allowed organ donations since they don't allowed cremation. She said actually they believe to have a whole body with all organs intact for burial in their religion.

But nowadays she said the youngsters also started to allow organ donations. I then told her most likely from what I heard, in Singapore, if you choose to opt out of organ donation, then when you need an organ one day... you might not be in the priority list. She looked stunned for a moment and then realise why the youngsters decided to opt in now.

As SA came to my Father-in-law urn section, I also explained to her that usually we can buy single or double size urn space. My Mother-in-law passed away in 2014 and the family already bought a double size for them. Now that FIL also passed on, we can reunited both in the same urn space. We just need to change the urn plaque to include the latest deceased.

Then SA suddenly put her finger on the plaque nearby my in-law. She pointed at the plaque's owner (male) and touched saying, why this urn have 3 persons as she also pointed at the two females aside the owner? I was shocked when she did that!

My Hubby's sister's husband was there so he just raised his eyebrows then answered, that in the past era, it is common for a man to have 2 wives if he can afford it. I also immediately asked SA not to point and touch the plaque's photos as it is considered very rude and disrespectful. Can you imagine me pointing at you in person and at your partners as well? I'm sure that would end up badly!!!

Then I brought her aside, and explained that as many Chinese are immigrants to Singapore, they usually leave behind their original family there. And once they settled here, they might ended up marrying another woman to get citizenship before bringing their original wife here. And also depend on the situation, the original wife might not become the First Wife because if the man relied on the 2nd woman to be rich here, he might allowed the original wife to be the 2nd wife in term of authority in the house.

After that, the call to prayer started so I didn't think much and went to join my Hubby's family for the ritual. As both Hubby and I are Christians, his family didn't forced us to pray with joss sticks. We only bowed respectfully as a sign of filial piety to his late Dad. Once the ritual was over, we picked up all the food offerings and went to burn Hell paper money for the ending of the ritual.

I offered to give the family a lunch treat but they have their own appointments to attend to. So only SA went with us for lunch at a country club's halal restaurant she recommended. We had yummy Lebanese Grill - Deboned Half Spring Chicken, Leg of Lamb Shish Kebab & Sauteed Tiger Prawns with Peperoncino. Served with Roasted Vegetables, Lebanese Flat Bread, Hummus & Labneh (enclosed in the 2nd photo) and other side dishes (salad & soups & cold drinks). It wasn't cheap but worth it as Hubby & I didn't go for such expensive dining for a very long time.

It was hot afternoon when we got back to my housing block. SA took out our wheelchairs and I went ahead to wait for her at the void deck in my manual wheelchair to avoid the blaring sun, while Hubby sat on his electric wheelchair waiting for her to lock her car before coming up to our home pushing me. I suddenly heard a loud bump, and when I turned back... SA was sitting on the hot pavement looking in pain! I'm not sure if she was over exerted in this hot sun or that pavement was uneven, but she fell and in her rush to break the fall, her wrist got twisted!

I got very worried as she's already in her 60-ish! I told her to go and see a doctor once she send us back home. She still have to return her car to let her husband use later so she didn't went to see the doctor until the next day. As suspected, there's inflammation as her wrist became swollen and the doctor put her hand on a sling bandage with 2 weeks' medical leave. At this rate, I don't think she can come back to work yet as housekeeping is a manual work. I told her manager to arrange for temp helpers again for this month till SA recovered.

I also expressed my concerns to SA as I felt bad for the incident. Was her vertigo returning, I asked. SA replied me that was not my fault nor was her vertigo issue. But she was also experiencing a lot of bitterness & hatred over her husband's affair that she wasn't concentrating and fell. Yes, since the week she came back, I have to be her therapist-friend again as she would tears as she poured out her guts on her husband's issues. I can see mentally she's not in her best to work either as she felt helpless without her husband's finances yet angry with herself for not able to work much as she's aging too with health issues.

Then I prayed for SA while in my quiet time. A revelation hits me... as some of you know, I shared that currently SA is also in turmoil as she has hired a lawyer to divorce her husband who already married another woman in other country. She cannot do much as her religion allowed the man to have up to 4 wives and her husband always use their Allah's name that it is permitted to do so, blah, blah, blah. I also felt pitiful for her, that her lovely family that she built up now is destroyed by her husband's infidelity. She would have a hard time with her 6 grandchildren whom she meet everyday on how to explain all these. So she kept quiet for the past 4 years and she finally had enough... because she paid for their home together yet now she discovered that in their Islamic law, the 2nd woman also can claimed for her share in the case if the husband died.

That must be why when SA saw the plaque with the 1 man and 2 women, she must have subconsciously projected her own anger at him by pointing accusingly as she can't do much in her own situation. And that weird fall which turned so badly... I can't helped but wondered if there was some supernatural karma at work for 'offending' the spirits by her disrespectful actions. I can only prayed for forgiveness on her behalf and divine protection in future for SA.

Her actual court date would only start in Jan 2026. This is not going to be an easy route ahead for her. I can lend her a listening ear sometimes but not every time she comes which is thrice a week. Currently I am also resting due to there were some changes to my dialysis treatments and the new medications they are putting via IV straight into my blood stream are making me very fatigue as my body is trying to adjust to it. Some days the aches after the treatments were so bad that I need to take panadols every 4-6 hours to cope and sleep so I don't feel the painful chills & aches in the bones. The last thing I want would be mental stress listening non stop to bitter talks and sorrows. I need my own quiet & peace too.

Maybe this break would be good for both too. Let her concentrate on her wrist to heal while let me rest more so I can get back my energy to study for my current Associate degree in peace too. I just saw my gynecologist on my non-stop bleeding issues and I was told I might be reaching my pre-menopause age, so it is also why I am always feeling weak due to the blood loss. Yes, I guess my body is changing and I hope I won't turn into those angry upset personnel when undergoing this change. Thus, best to keep myself away from negative vibes that won't do any good when I am experiencing all these changes.

Lastly, I really hope SA can get over the betrayal and move on with her life. Or seeing her keep dwelling in her anger and bitterness can felt quite overwhelming, to the point of her doing taboo disrespectful actions to others even to the deceased, was quite shocking for me.