Peace in my heart

Ever since my shin accident on 13th May, followed by an emergency surgery to remove the infection 10 days later... my whole routine fall into chaos... with endless visits back to the hospital for follow up with the orthopaedic surgeon... thrice a week wound changing by specialist nurse to my school or home... I'm missing classes and ministry hours as my fever went up and down post surgery... that I was warned that I might not graduate!

Meanwhile my Father in law also gotten sicker as he aged... not able to eat or drink for days... then in and out of different hospitals as well. His doctors also told us to be prepared for the worst... so I was also busy arranging with friends to fetch us to visit FIL whenever we can.

Then came last Monday... I went for my Cardiologist follow up... again, he discharged me from the centre as he said that I'm no longer responding to all the treatments (I stopped taking all medications as I developed side effects to them) and with my weak heart condition, I'm also not an ideal candidate for anymore surgery, not even heart transplant... he sees no point keeping me as a patient for anymore follow up.

I struggle within... should I give up my bible school after all? I am so weary... as I tried pushing myself to go to school in person but with every step it hurt a lot as my open wound weeps... and still having to serve ministry hours despite I get so fatigue each time... that I even started losing consciousness in class a few times. (due to heart failure and I have history of blacking out in the past.)

My attitude get bitter, as I wonder why the bible school didn't care to show compassion on a person with health limitations? I also didn't want this accident to happen and affect my attendance... I couldn't understand why the school didn't separate medical leave from hospitalization leave but just classify all non attendance days as leave? Even in the secular world when I used to work, leave and hospitalization leave are different! And what if my FIL passed away? Even compassionate leave for funeral would be considered as leave too when I asked the admin! I stopped praying for awhile as I avoid going to school in person when the fever hits me... I felt no empathy or understanding at all.

But I guess... that Cardiologist's sentence to me... made me realised that even medical no longer will help me to survive... they gave up hope on me... am I going to give up hope on myself too? Nope... I only left with one hope... to hope in THE LORD to keep me going... I can't allow all these external issues made me lose my focus on building my relationship with GOD. I already have no other pillar to hold on... I can't give up on on the only thing that kept me going in my darkest days...

So humbly... I came back to my praying time with The Lord... And last week my Team mates were preparing to fly out for a 4 days mission trip... so they did a corporate fasting and prayer week together. I decided to join them too... to quieten my heart through fasting... not distracted by the lust of the mouth or the flesh... listening to more gospel songs and reminding myself of all the promises in the bible through these lyrics.. I felt the long missed peace returning to my soul... especially when I got back to class on Tuesday and my team prayed over me instead of focusing on their mission trip pointers. I felt so loved and cared for. Their prayers broke that depressive loathsome state I was in.

Then I was surprised when the admin messaged and informed that the school Dean's wife wish to talk to me in the middle of the week. In the discussion, she shared that if my health condition ain't not well, perhaps I can consider continuing the bible school doing a less strenuous curriculum with no more exams, no assignments and no more ministry to serve... but the cert will be no credits given. She can give me a few days to consider.

But I know, this is not what I want or pray for. So far my assignments are on time and came back with good grades... I have not failed in any of the exams despite many of my classmates failed even when they attended the classes in person and I did not. My only issues are the extra days I took due to my follow up hospital appointments for post surgery wound inspections and dressings. And I missed 5 days of ministry hours which I need to pay back on top of the rest of the ministry that I need to do weekly till end of Aug. (Part of the credits for module)

So I said I would fulfilled all the credits as required because I planned to go for the next level in associate degree. Beside, I'm already halfway through this 6 months diploma... only left barely 2 more months of assignments and exams to go. I think I can still do it. And the Dean's wife smiled, saying "I see, you're a fighter, huh?"

She also said they are trying their best to help me too. They allowed me to do other area of ministry to pay back the hours I missed. I volunteered to help out in the senior ministry after my usher ministry on Sundays, traveling between two locations to make up the shortfall of hours in the coming few weeks.

My small group meeting leader also suggested to let me do testimony or offering sermon as part of the ministry hours too. In fact, when my team mates flew on last Friday afternoon to Indonesia for their mission trip ( I was exempted due to my medical condition, it's hard to find a hospital there to do my dialysis and I will affect my team as they need to follow a strict schedule for their preaching services)... my leader messaged me in the morning and asked me to do the testimony sermon for the bible group that every night!

So after school, I went home and pray for a verse to do the testimony sermon. The Holy Spirit impressed in my heart with Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I just felt this is the right verse for me too... despite all the chaos in the past months... I'm already feeling this sense of peace coming back in the midst of all the difficulties I am facing. I also saw a bible reel on youtube... that a person ask why is everything that can go wrong went wrong? It is because this person is a threat to the other side... that's why spiritual attacks are happening so frequently in order to break the person so he or she cannot be effective for GOD.

I'm thankful that my team mates covered me with their prayers. I felt a breakthtough in my spirit... and I started to have more energy even in the midst of so much physical stuff to do. I do feel tired but now I know to rest as much as I can, so my body have time to recuperate after each day of stressful physical things to do.

And on Friday night for the small group gathering, my leader is pleased with my testimony sharing. She said she heard from the bible school that I planned to go for associate degree and she look forward to seeing me signed up too. She said because she saw how good my assignments were! Oh gosh, I forgotten she's the main bible school lecturing Rev's wife. Maybe she also helped to proofread the students' assignments? And honestly, it was her and her husband who wrote the recommendation letters for me to get into this course. I won't want to let either of them down.

Then came Saturday... we have a local Pastor who is very involved in the Prison ministry and other social enterprises for our weekend services. And his sermon was also "The Peace of GOD". Woah! I felt so blessed that it is like a double confirmation that THE LORD is telling me to leave everything in HIS HANDS, trust in him... pray continually and with thanksgiving, just be filled with the peace that surpassed all understanding. Why should I fret anymore? I know I am weak but in HIM, he will give me the strength to carry on... this is THE PEACE of my mind and soul that I needed so much.

I will do my best and I know HE will do the rest. Amen!