Strange sickness

Actually my elderly Father in law was admitted to the hospital 2 weeks ago for not able to eat or drink for a few days. I went to visit him... prayed over him even when the doctor said he's in critical condition as he's old and his body is shutting down. Soon after my prayers for him, he was discharged and went home as he started to eat and drink a little again.

After a week at home, he was again admitted on recent Monday about midnight for the same issues again. This time his breathing was bad too so they put him on the oxygen and drip again. I rush over with my Hubby, with the help from my two bible school students staying in our home... as we needed them to help carry our wheelchairs and taking two separate cars to go to the hospital in the wee morning till 3am before we went home.

I was very tired the following Tuesday morning and skipped my bible school. On Wed, I have to take half a day from school to rush to my surgeon's follow up appointment after my shin injury surgery last month. They finally took off a wound sucking machine that was trying to keep my wound in sterile no pressure healing mode. But I thought maybe my body couldn't adjust to the outside air and the wound was bleeding through the normal dressing that I came down with a high fever that Wed night and couldn't go to school on Thursday... I ended up taking some of my old balanced of tramadol (painkiller) and paracetamol to finally bring down my fever in two days. Now I'm aching all over... no appetite for food and also vomited and have diarrhea the past few days while having fever.

Then Hubby's elder brother messaged us that the doctor said Father in law has an infection and running a high fever too, so he's still in a critical condition.

I begun to suspect... did I picked up an infection from FIL while visiting him in the hospital? After all, my immunity have been very weak and this sudden fever hit me like a truck... totally knocked me out for days! Never happened like this before until I went to visit him... and I'm not sure what other infections he's carrying when his body is shutting down. I did touched him and patted him for quite awhile as he was panting away. He heard my voice and only then he calmed down and his breathing restored to normalcy. In fact other family members talked to him (without touching him) but they saw him teared as I spoke gently to him as I patted his shoulder slowly. I always have this tender touch that can calm people down, I know. But I might have picked up an infection without realizing it.

I don't know... I know I have done my best for FIL. I have taken care of him when he used to live with us... I have provided for him... paid for his home mortgage when they have no money at the expense of me giving up my own savings for my degree study... I have done beyond what a normal daughter in law would do. I have given up so much for my Hubby's family as a dutiful Asian daughter in law for coming 30 years. And I feel it's time that I can say I have done more than what is required... and I should have the freedom to pursue my own life goals now.

I don't think I am selfish... this is self care too. I have started to go for this 6 months bible school diploma... so I can finish in end September and then sign up for the Associate degree for one year... and onward to Bachelor for another year. Yes... I'm trying to pursue my bucket list dream of getting a degree which I have given up in my younger days for my Hubby's family needs.

I am trying to make a stand that I can't keep rushing to FIL's side every time they messaged us and not even willing to come to give us a ride to visit him. We stayed in non lift level unit and every trip out need to get people to help us both with wheelchairs to go out. Yet we get judged as not fillial if we don't turn up at every beck and call the other able bodied family members can do anytime they want. And they themselves never even have taken the elderly parents into their own homes to take care, unlike us who did.

When my health got worse, and Hubby came down with stroke 3 years ago... I really can't take care of both FIL and Hubby at the same time... so I asked the Brother in law to help hire a maid while I applied for $500 SGD funding for FIL's care at home. A maid's salary is roughly about $550 only. The FIL's home that I paid for, the BIL rented out the extra rooms to get rental income to pay for the maid and FIL's daily expenses, with more than enough to have some savings aside too. Beside, local Government also give out money for elderly like FIL so BIL kept all the money and I never ask either.

Yet they always painted me as a scheming daughter in law wanting a share of the FIL's inheritance. Excuse me, I am the one who helped to pay for FIL & MIL when they cannot pay for their mortgage anymore. I was the one who found a toilet assignment for them to earn some money while I paid for all the assignment rental and washing chemicals. All the good I do, no one in the family thanked me ever. Yet I am always the one they blamed for anything... just because FIL used to call me a thief when he misplaced things... saying I got no parents to teach me since I was orphaned very young. That's how hurtful this family have been treating me.

Honestly, I have done my best for this family. Each time I prayed for FIL, he does get better... even miracle healing 3 years ago when the doctors told us to be prepared for the worst. I took him into my home for 4 months, nursed him back to health and his geriatric doctor was amazed. I prayed for him when they called me 2 weeks ago, he got better. But on recent Monday, seeing how much pain he was in, breathing so hard... I finally decided to pray for it to end. I also don't want to see him suffer anymore.

FIL did tell me that his last wish was to die at home and not in hospital for his advance care medical planning. But the family doesn't listen to his wishes. Sigh... always so typical of them. I also brought FIL to my church senior ministry and he got saved 3 years ago. I took a video of him saying the Sinner's Prayer and sent to my Hubby's elder Brother. But he said his Dad is dementia and not counted. So in the event if FIL passed away, they will do the Buddhist ritual for the funeral so he can joined the late MIL in their same religion together... Sigh... I can't fight for him anymore either... coz they will say I want their father dead or more unkind stuff about me... blah, blah, blah...

Maybe that is why he cry upon hearing my voice... he knew I know his wishes... but what can I do? I am always deemed an outsider despite I am well known as a caregiver trainer in Dementia arena... I really don't want to have much to do with this family anymore either. I just wish to take care of my mentally ill stroke Hubby and have nothing more to do with his judgmental family once FIL is no longer around.

I just want peace in my life too... I'm tired of his family's drama. Why can't they let FIL go in peace and keep hooking him up with medical stuff to prolong his sufferings?