De-cluttering & Letting go

Since I took a break after my freelance teaching ended with the last adult learners graduation in Feb, I took the time to de-clutter the unused collection of stuff in the house to free up the default study room cum storage room to rent out the extra space to new arriving international students next week.

In the process, I throw away all my previously essentials for my home based Beauty & Massage business... including a spa bathtub, a massage bed, even the expensive chandelier to make way for laundry area. Now almost no trace of this massage business I used to have catering to some of the AFF mates I met too. I'm putting my past behind, as it was the darkest moment in my life where after my freak work incident, I was unable to find a job and has to resort to this trade to bring in income to support my household with a mentally ill Hubby. Nevertheless, I did meet some nice AFF members who later became my friend, even offering to give me trips to my night school after coming for massage session. I'm thankful to those that went the extra mile to make me feel accepted and cared for in those darkest lowest period of my life.

I also chanced upon past photo albums and artifacts from my ex lovers while de-cluttering. It's time to make right and let go... as I choose to throw them away or kept barely some of the stuff in boxes. The last lover carried the pricey handmade Turkish mat all the way from his home trip, and it used to be a centre piece hanging on the wall in my living room. Now that's also kept away just for decorative purpose in the future if I ever needed it. At least it is no longer visible in my surrounding so I can sort of let all our bittersweet memories go as needed for my own mental health sanity.

In a way, I felt a sense of relief that I finally can let all these go... as now I choose to put my emotional support on my faith. Yes, there will always be others who say religion is just made belief... but if it can help to guide and be a pillar of stability for my emotions, why not? All the past lovers just let me down... I am never the type to give up on a relationship... but they did and wounded me a lot. So do pardon me if I prefer to go back and seek my GOD that will never leave me or forsake me now. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Today marked the 39th day of my 40 days fast. I started with 12 hours fast and slowly went to 19:5 fast. Honestly, I know I have lost weight, maybe muscle mass too. My normal fluids drainage during dialysis session went down from 4.2L to about 2.5L on some days, which my nurses got very concerned knowing that I'm not eating or drinking much. Well, there's some changes on some days when I can't do the 19:5 intermittent fast throughout till the end of the fast, especially the past week when I keep throwing up and having stomach issues, till my blood pressure must have dropped and I can't hear out from my left ear properly.

The monthly blood test also came back showing my fasting caused me to be very malnutritious.... so my dialysis nurses told me to just do the 12 hours fast for a few days till my body get better. After I start to eat a bit more recently, the ringing in the left ear got better... but I also noticed I'm getting breathless again with my increase intake of fluids too. I'm still trying to find the balance in able to lose weight yet not to the extreme of starving myself too long. And I do like this intermittement fasting as there's some benefits too. Cut costs as I won't be spending time and money to eat 3 meals a day. My brain seems to get clearer as I don't get food coma or sugary spikes that often with meals. Not to mention I feel lighter and easier to walk a bit more in the house these days.

As my body detox with this fast, my surrounding also need to 'detox' by throwing away things that are no longer meaningful in my life. Time to move on... now I'm looking forward to a new 6 months bible school term learning to socialize and meeting new people with same faith to motivate and encourage one another together. What more can I ask? I am very blessed to turn back like the prodigal son... and be welcomed back into the fold of protection and acceptance among the masses. I'm no longer alone and cast out. I really want to just blend into the background and serve humbly to minister to the others in needs. I'm a compassionate and caring person, so it's good to seek out like minded people of my tribe too.

I guess this month of de-cluttering the whole house is a chance for me to let go and look forward to a new journey with God and his people. No more feeling being abandoned or left alone again. Such liberation finally!