Planning mode

I'm glad the busy endless meetings and events for the festive season is over... even though there's an upcoming Chinese New Year festival at the end of this month too. But I'm glad due to this major festival, most of the social visits from agencies to my home are postponed to next month as their officers and staff are busy too. So I'm kinda' of looking forward to a quieter month of less meet ups and having more time for myself.

There's a sponsored outing to the new Bird Park in a week's time by my dialysis centre. I'm looking forward to going out with my dialysis mates. The last sponsored trip was 2 years ago so I cherished this time to have some interactions with the others. I also asked my part time caregiver to go with me for the outing as no electric wheelchair is allowed. So I need her assistance to push me in my manual wheelchair.

Yes, with all that hard works I have been doing to bring income in so I can support my household and pay bills on time while caring for my mentally ill Hubby, it is a nice break to do something I like. I love watching animals and I heard this time, the new Bird Park the visitors can interact with the birds in the new park. I'm so looking forward to that, and hope my health is well for that day's outing too.

And with less home visitations, I really can have more personal time to catch up on my filing of paperworks and work on my website for my other projects. It's hard to focus when these visitations can take up half a morning or afternoon, then I need to rush out for my thrice a week evening dialysis that made me even more tired when I'm back about an hour to midnight. I do need a lot of rest to recuperate from each session of dialysis as my arm cannulation left me feeling bruised and painful till the next day's afternoon.

Yesterday my therapist came to visit me. But I am a little concerned that since she felt I look better and normal with me back in church, then I should think that GOD is healing me and I ought to get back to normal works and not depend on a life of handouts by the social assistance.

I felt this is the issue with spiritual counselors sometimes. Yes, we do desire healing but I am more of a person in recovery... haven't fully healed yet... and my condition is already end stage heart and kidney failure. I may try to be normal but the truth is I am NOT normal like them. I have pains which I don't speak of, doesn't mean I don't have pains! I'm just trying not to share my pains and be a more cheerful person. Beside, I'm not relying on cash payouts under the social assistance, I'm more concerned with the short term social medical assistance which I need to reapply every 3-6 months as both Hubby and I need medical care which are not cheap!

To be truthful, I felt my illness has been a blessing in disguise. I was such a workaholic... I have no time for my family... I was always working, always stressed out... my temper was really bad and I snapped at others easily back when I was healthier as I was busy all the time! Now with medical issues, at least I can tap into the cheaper medical help which normal working class people don't.

And after my illness, I have to stop... to rest... to learn my limitations. And now into my 13 years of survival, I am beginning to enjoy the slower pace of life. I am more peaceful and has a more fulfilling little homemaker's lifestyle now. Why do I want to get back to be healthy and go into the stressful RAT RACE again? I am contented with simple life of having a shelter over my head, food on the table, time to sleep and wake up naturally without the alarm clock blasting at me.

Well, I may not have extra cash for oversea trips or going out for expensive dinning experiences... but I don't fancy that either. I am contented to just make more money if possible mainly to clear my balanced 10 years more of housing mortgages, that's all. That is the most expensive commitment for my household as per month interest accured is 1/5 of the mortgage we are paying. I just want to pay more so the interest amount will go lower.

Inflation rate is always rising, plus the Good and Service tax also gone up this year for my country. My main focus will still be looking for more income to support my household while taking it slow as I work on my financial goals.

My therapist said since I am trained in early childhood, I should get back to special needs as she said parents are willing to pay more special needs intervention trainer like me. But I am out of the industry for 13 years... much things have changed and these days, not only the students but the parents are harder to handle. I also do not agree that with my current health, I can handle special needs when they get triggered as they can get physically violent too. I do not think it is safe for me as I might get hurt while teaching them. If I am younger, I can still have the strength to prevent myself from sudden crisis situations like that.

My therapist felt disappointed that I don't tap on my trained expertise that I had as an early educator for 2 decades. But to be truthful, what I am trained in doesn't mean I love doing it for life. The season for that is over. I see a bigger market out there for mental health than just a niche small market for special needs. But I do not want to waste my time explaining too much. I know now my season is with the mental health training and it can cover more too, from eating disorder, cyberbullying for the young, to the marital issues to work out for the couples, to talking of sicknesses and end of life prep for the elderlies... there's so much more I can do... and safety for me too as I can offer online services to be a 'friend to listen to' for them via the comfort from my home through zoom. That will be better for my health as I don't get communicable diseases from behind a screen due to my low immunity.

So I gotten work on my website for the next one month before I start my 6 months bible school in April. I have to reorganize so much resources to fill in as contents for the work I am going to do. Thus, I hope to free up more time for myself to rest and work on my website. As well as doing more self care while working hard too.

I'm just being practical. My physical health has limitations, and I don't wish to push my health too far till I collapsed again. With my heart functioning at 27-35%, I have to BE WISE in my choices of work too.