That Struggle for Control

Festive period is over and I'm back to my work doing mental health awareness training. My current class is made up of mainly parents with young adults/teenagers having mental issues. And I soon notices that the breakdown in communications between some of them and their kids is simple, it's that POWER STRUGGLE.

One of the mums said her 18 years old son is not looking for job, or going for further studies... just wanted to stay home locked up in his room to play games online. He doesn't even want to cook for himself and only want processed food which he can warms in the oven, etc. She's mad about it saying he's getting fatter and eating these junk food, etc. So she will wake up early to cook for him before going to work, making herself tired all the time. She has brought him for counselling and even the therapist also work with her on her expectations too. Again she's getting upset that she's not seeing much results after few months of therapies on her son.

Another dad was also sharing his frustration with his 17 years old daughter, who doesn't want to talk to him. He wanted her to be normal, do the normal things of studying well, planning for her future, etc. But she always raises her voice and scream back at her dad, threatening harm to others or self. He really don't know how to talk to her at all.

But with my co trainer, we two can see the main issues... both parents are the controlling type. They just cannot accept their children not doing what the parents want from them... their expectations are stressing their young adults out... not willing to let them to have the freedom to explore or make mistakes. Of course, these young adults are sulking, retreated to their own worlds to protect themselves as well as to search for their own identifies in what they wants for themselves too.

This also bring me to the part of my caregiver. I found out that she was a retired army officer too. I can see the way she's very organized in her tasks and still very sharp and alert at her age. But on the other hand, it might be very stressful to live with someone who wants to know everything that's going on and the relationship can be like having to report to a task manager all day. Perhaps this is the reason why her husband said he wanted his freedom back, after his bout of cancer treatment and thinking Life is short and he wanted to do what he haven't done in his life even though he's already reaching the Golden age.

As I thought back to my caregiver's youngest estranged son who told her he will never see her again if she insisted on his young wife apologizing after a tiff with her. My caregiver has been the one to try to forbid the young wife not to attend their extended family's event until that young wife seek her forgiveness. But the son choose his wife and told the mum, then he will never come back to see them either. I can understand that too, if the mum has always been controlling. And he found someone whom he loved and already formed a family with him and having a young daughter together. Why will he still want to submit to his Mum's order to hurt his own family?

My caregiver said all her friends said she used to curse and swear and such a strong character in the army as Madam... but now as she aged and her own husband started to handy panky behind her, she can't even do anything as she's no longer working and needed to depend on him. She no longer can have any say in the household, unlike before.

I see that unfortunately, these only point to the fact of the power struggles that these stronger character people have. They cannot allow another person to not listen or disobey them. They expect them to live within their rules or orders not caring the other persons have their own wishes and dreams too. Partly due to Asian older culture where parents still think they can control their young adults even if they get married and have their own families. Or using threats and manipulative methods to get their own ways in the past but now no longer works for them.

Because things are different now.

That made me reflects on my life and my marriage too. I'm fortunate in a way to become orphaned by 16 years old. I was freed up from the normal conventional family ties to soar and look for my own destiny. Even with my mentally ill husband, he doesn't control me but allow me to bloom in my own talents. There were times I wish he will control me more like what traditional husband should. And yes, I met 3 ex lovers who were like that, one of them was fussy with how I do my make up or what I dress. Another didn't allowed me to go out alone and chide me for going home late.

I thought that was CARE and LOVE at first... but I soon realised these so called lovers ran at the first sight of trouble as they are all married too. It was my Hubby who gave me the freedom to explore and make choices, even mistakes and still welcome me back when I gotten hurt by these lovers. That is true forgiveness and unconditional love for me.

And my Hubby also said, that because I also gave him unconditional love and supported him all these coming 30 years of marriage... he knew no one will do what I did in order to support him and not allowing others to bully him coz of his conditions. In fact our relationship is stronger now after I mend the hurts I caused to him too. I had my fun out there and I have already learn the consequences of my foolishness. I'm glad I'm getting older and with my health conditions, I no longer crave for sex and wrong type of affections. Too much freedom can also cause grief when it goes in the wrong directions.

I'm glad both my Hubby and I do not like to control each other but always give each other the space to learn. Now as I also brought him to church yesterday, we have agreed to live out our remaining days having a spiritual connection back with like minded community. We just want to led a simple blessed life for the rest of our time on earth now, having healthier network and maybe doing good for the community in serving if we can.

I also hope that these people I tried to counsel will learn to let go of their controlling expectations and be prepared to forgive and forget when their loved ones are willing to open up to them one day. It's definitely not easy... but there's still hope if they can learn to put down their own expectations and support their loved ones to slowly bloom instead.