Critical society

Listening to 'Cedarmont Kids - O Be Careful Little Eyes' as I reflected back on the recent incidents.

On Wed, I arranged with my part time caregiver SA to bring me to the mall to do some important errands. I needed help to cancel my old security token to change to the new digital token for my new banking app, as well as changing my 4G sim card to 5G for my phone usage. Both these need me to go to the physical shops personally with my identity card.

First of all, I have not use a public bus for a long time since most of the time I only go out for medical appointments using medical van transportation. When the public bus came, the driver seems impatient to have to serve me by going to the back door to put down the wheelchair ramp. I try to be friendly and thanked him cheerfully, which he seems confused that I would thanked him. Guess not many people thanked him and took him for granted, so that's why he find it a chore when he meet wheelchair users.

But on reaching the bus interchange, he was busy chatting with another colleague of his and forgotten to come to the back to bring down the ramp. My caregiver waved to him and he came to the back, as usual I thanked him again. But his colleague was teasing him loudly by repeatedly saying, "Ohhh, you forgotten huh? Later people will take photo of you and complain you!!!"

Hey, I didn't do that or have that intention, why are these drivers so critical? Well, maybe the others out there will do that but I'm not such a person. And it's embarrassing that other passerby looked at me like I'm going to complain about him. Why made such a bad impression on me in public like that? Sigh, I felt so wronged for nothing.

Anyway, my caregiver didn't know the language the drivers were using, so she just went on to push me to the mall to do my errands. It was a off peak timing we went, but people were like in a hurry... no patience for wheelchair users like me. As usual, normal able bodied people tried to rush into the lift, which is meant for wheelchair user first. Due to that, I told my caregiver we just go to Basement One mainly for the bank and the telecom shop. We can just eat at any of the restaurants down there and do simple shopping. I do not want to fight with the able bodied people for the lift again.

On the way, I saw a Value Shop and decided to buy more chocolates to be given as X'mas gifts. But as the shop space was small, my caregiver pushed me to a corner... and there was a middle aged lady looking at the merchandise there. But she moved out of the way to let me pass... unfortunately, my caregiver only parked me there to get over to the cashier area to make payment for me. I didn't see her leaving me to go to the cashier two lanes away. The lady saw that and yelled at me, "Why? Damn stupid lah, stupid!!!" as she stared down at me angrily. She was mad that she had to walk around to the other end of the lane to enter again to check merchandise again. She just stomped off!

Well, I don't have eyes behind me... so I don't know if she went back behind me to see the merchandise. But why does she shout at me? Just because I'm in wheelchair so she think she can bully the vulnerable? I didn't tell my caregiver, as I know my quick tempered SA will go and scold the lady back.

What's wrong with the society now? Why are they so offensive and angry all the time? I have not really ventured out among normal people. Most of the time I would say I am more sheltered among the caring health care professionals and the helpful ones in my charity works. To be honest, I don't really like the culture shock of going out among the so called normal society these days.

SA was thoughtful to talk to her daughter who came to the mall with their family car. SA asked her 2 teenager grandkids to follow us as she took over the car while her daughter brought the other younger grandkids to the mall for shopping. SA sent me home with their family car and her teenager grandkids helped to bring my shopping stuff to my non lift level unit. I reached home tired but very thankful for SA's help for the day.

I tried not to be offended, but I would say I'm pretty disturbed with how the world is out there now. No wonder mental health is on the rise now.

Well, I have been busy the past few days since... as I went for my first adult learners class graduation on recent Thursday morning. I have co host with 2 other trainers for this class for 12 weeks so I'm so happy for them too. All these lesson prep and discussions are so worth it as I see how the modules have helped my class to be more equipped with caregiver needs and how to do more self care for themselves. Really, this month I have so many events that I missed my Godma's phone calls many times. Yet when I called back, she also didn't pick up.

Finally last night I caught hold of her, after seeing missed calls again. But when I catch up with her, sharing my joys in my new part time freelance trainer jobs, and other latest achievements or blessings in my other ventures, Godma will again asked about my Hubby. Then she will say she will never accept him (his mental condition) as in her opinion, he's just using his mental health to slack and not do anything about his life.

Sigh... I felt so disturbed again... it seemed like Godma only enjoy tearing down my vulnerable Hubby... come on, this is my marriage and I accepted who he is. He has real mental conditions for the past 40+ years since his youth which also shown on his latest brain scan. Yet Godma always using that old traditional mindset that MAN must be the head of the family, blah, blah, blah with no regards to mental health knowledge.

Come on, I also never say anything about her special needs daughter with temper tantrums, right? I also stopped going to her home since her daughter got upset with me, telling me Godma is her mother, not mine (jealousy). I don't want arguments to arise coz of me so I only communicate via phone calls since. But from there, I can see too. That due to Godma's constant criticism, her daughter also learn from her to always criticized others. There's no LOVE coming out from their speeches.

Sorry, I'm tired of hearing from critical people who judge others for the sake of making their opinions heard, with no cares for how others feel after hearing that. I do not judge these people but I know that since that is their ways of thinking and speaking, I would like to STAY FAR AWAY FROM THEIR NEGATIVE VIBES! I need to protect my space too.

Anyway, I choose to listen to the sweet innocent bible song I used to teach my students... " 'Cedarmont Kids - O Be Careful Little Eyes' to feel better... Yes, I have to be careful with what goes into my eyes, my ears, what I say to people, what I do with my hands... I do not wish to let my sweet peace loving sensitive nature be tinted by their negativeness. I'm glad I can hide in my safe home on a Sunday, enjoying the online candlelight church service sermon with my Hubby earlier in the morning. It is such a spiritual cleansing from all that critical voices of the past week.

Sorry if I can't be that accommodating to all, I need to protect my personal space as my health is important too. With my weak heart function at 20-ish percent, I have to prevent strong emotions from causing more harm to myself too. I'm thankful for my part time job, at least it also keep my occupied... so others won't get demanding why I don't answer their calls to listen to their idle talks or gossips that ain't meaningful to downright hurtful.

Like a butterfly, I know I can be quite fragile at times so I need to be careful in what goes into my soul...