Stress?

Now is past 1am here in SG. What can I say? I had a long busy day... woke up with night terror 24 hours ago... couldn't sleep... worse was my Hubby's non stop farting throughout the night that made me felt suffocated in the air con room. When he woke up at 4am, I ordered his favourite Macdonald doubled fish fillet set with coffee and hashbrown, to make sure he has more than enough to eat.

But I did mentioned to him his farts are getting smellier to the point I wanted to vomit... which is true and very disruptive for my sleep too. He got very offended as his mental condition do not allow anyone to tell him off about anything he didn't like.

But I have to be busy as his IMH nurse was coming for injection at 11am, while I am also meeting my social workers to discuss on our progress so far for their monthly welfare check at 10.30am. My meeting ended about half past 12pm while I also had to meet the nurse to discuss on some further med appointments for my Hubby's follow up matters. I had to keep everything in check.

Meanwhile before these visitors came, I also have to ask my engineer tenant to check on my recustomised laptop he repaired for me, and also asking him to buy lunch for my Hubby. As usual, I will ask to buy just one portion, which I will always let Hubby eat first to his fill and I ate the 15%-20% leftover since my appetite is small after gastric sleeve surgery. Honestly, I always give the best portion to my Hubby and sometimes I will lied that I'm not hungry when he likes the food so he can finish all.

So when I finished my meeting, I went back to my room to eat the rest of the lunch. And also checked my whatapp and to my dismay, more urgent paperwork on hands. So I was trying to eat my lunch while searching for the important documents that was asked at such last minute... as I still have another zoom meeting at 2.30pm to discuss the new zoom class I am taking in the evening at 6.30pm to 9.30pm. Everything was so rushing...

Then my Hubby came into the room... after his smoke session as usual after his meal and started farting again to his heart's content. I really can't take it! I'm trying to eat my lunch! How disgusted to smell fart instead of the pathetic leftover meal I am having. So I chided him.

Immediately he got offended and yelled at me saying I am always targeting his farting issue... he looked at me just he wanted to kill me type of look. That's it... I have to leave the room as it triggered my PTSD too, that I need to go to another room to prevent the crisis getting worse! When I get into that flight or fight mode, of course I no longer can eat. I just took my stuff and my teddy bear to my work room, sat on the sofa and try to calm my panic anxiety down.

I am already deprived of sleep for a week or so with night terrors... but I am a person of my words and I need to commit to my zoom classes. I choose to focus on transferring data to my new laptop to try out for the 2m30pm lesson plan discussion, also to test out the laptop to see if the micis better now. My engineer had changed the whole motherboard and installed brand new batteries so it can last over 4 hours without charging to the power point. Previously the old battery life was barely an hour. The best part, with this newer laptop, I no longer need to set up the old fashioned green screen as I can just use corporate photo to change the background.

After the new co trainer came online to discuss with me on what slides we are sharing and ended by 3.30pm... I still have 3 hours before the actual class starts. By now, I felt delirious with the lack of sleep and barely much food in my stomach. I know I need to wear something more formal for class later so I ventured back to my bedroom to change.

Hubby saw me coming in and by now, his temper has cooled. And he said sorry for his behavior. Yes, he still felt upset coz he cannot control his farts and felt I kept targeting him about it. But I was looking so dazed and fatigue that he also felt bad for shouting at me. I just reminded him, I always make sure he's well fed... I always wake up to make sure his breakfast is ready... I always gave him the best in everything... he doesn't worried about anything... coz his mental health cannot get triggered... but me??? I have no time for self care... no time for a proper meal and not able to sleep for days with my night terrors issues... and smelling his farts all day long.

I can't take it anymore... does he want me to sleep in the work room tonight? I can let him have the master aircon bedroom... I just want a room to rest with no farts. Do we have to consider sleeping separately so I can get some good rest? He doesn't need to work. I still have to work this part time low paid volunteer work to bring in some income.

Hubby said no, he will try to control his farts but it's also hard. But he's also upset why am I working so hard for such miserable pay/love token? I told him it's a matter of my professionality... what I promised, I will deliver... it is more of my reputation at stake. After all, this is my first paid freelance after so many years of not able to earn anything since I was terminally ill. But to my Hubby, he said I should only do enough for what they pay... he will never do more. And that's also why no employer keeps him either, he always get terminated coz he can't even do what they want from him. Whereas I was a much sought after employee due to my hard work but I can't do my best when I have to be a caregiver to him all my life.

I really don't wish to fight with him... I still need to change and get ready for my new class. I only asked him to make me a cup of black coffee... I needed that to stay alert for the 4 hours lesson later. Again, I asked my engineer to buy dinner for Hubby which again he left some for me after my class.

So with the black coffee, I managed to finish the class and by the time I closed up my work room, it's almost 10pm. My dinner had turned cold but I just ate some and checked my whatapp. I still have a lot of messages to reply. Hubby's caregiver's supervisor just informed at almost 10pm that she's on medical leave... so another caregiver will come at 5pm to shower Hubby tomorrow. My caregiver's Hubby need to go for a last minute checkup so I also allowed her to change her timing to Wed's morning to make up instead. My life is always full of changes on a daily basis. I have to be always on the alertness to organize everything.

After everything was done and I finally ate a bit more before cleaning up the table... I tried to rest my mind as I get into bed but the black coffee doesn't allowed me to.... so I'm still awake at this timing... tomorrow I still have another morning zoom class from 9.30-1pm.

I felt that night terrors coming back... that dreadful feeling again as I felt nausea smelling my Hubby's endless farts again... so I choose not to dwell in it. An old song came to mind and I started searching. I found the more modern version re sang by Tata Young but I still prefer this older original version by the Swedish singer Carola. It does lift my spirit up a little... I hope my tension and stressed up mode will slowly calm down and I can catch some winks later when he wake up and will leave the room few times for his smoke.

Ciao! At least this song bring some happy mood into my soul... This singer was invited to my homie church when I was a youth as she shared how GOD let her shine in her career and even won the Eurovision contest. It inspires me that yes, as believers we can shine in the secular world too.