Different approach

Well, I have been back to my Homie church since May... slowly adjusting to my old church life that I once did in my youth days. I am happy to be back but I am also need to stop to take heed of the direction being led. I also met another kind therapist who is also serving in another church. She helped me a lot to get back my spiritual life which I have left aside for a decade.

I'm a disciplined person so getting back to church help me in my mental health and to have a sense of belonging to people that speak my language. However my mentally ill Hubby of course his spiritual walk is still very carnal. But he's happier being that way, not forced into anything he don't want to do.

But the problem is, again I was told I am pampering him too much and not allowing him to grow up to be GOD's potential, etc. Sigh, this is what I fear... this is my own marriage and I know what work in my marriage. What do people think they can have a say in my marriage that is between me and my Hubby? Why do they like to project their views of what a man should be... then complaining their own godly husbands to be too controlling, etc. They envy my freedom which my Hubby doesn't control me and let me blossom to be what I want to be.

Then why do they think my Hubby is not MAN enough? I like my gentle hearted, maybe a little scary cat Hubby who choose peace over fights for his mental health sake. He also like seeing me playful and a little nutty doing nottie pranks here and there to make him laugh. We know what work in our marriage and I do feel a little offended that others want to have a say in our marriage coz we both doesn't fit into the cookie cut shape of a Christian household where the man is the Head while the woman is the submissive one.

I'm the outspoken one in charge of the whole household while Hubby gave me the companion I needed to know I am not alone by myself. That's all I ask, a partner who likes to do houseworks by himself to pass time as he's OCD... and we cuddle when we are together on our bed to rest. Most of the time, I can do my own works while he keep himself entertained with the programs on the screen. We both are easily contented with staying home and just do things slowly at our pace.

To me, my Hubby is not a project... he is a companion who dotes on me despite my nottieness. He is slower due to his mental illness but he calm me down. I'm the ever hopping Jack Russell with lot of tricks up my sleeves... especially when confronted with issues, my active mind will think of ways to get around the rules. So we do complement each other well too. We like stability and peace in our marriage life now after all that storms we gone through. So I do not need new people coming in to tell me how to change my Hubby or myself to suit their ideas coz it is really not their business. I don't want outsiders to rock our peaceful marriage that we have built so far. I might need to network for income but no amount of money should cause the peace we worked so hard so far.

Thus these days, I came to an agreement with Hubby. We don't go out as a couple for these faith based events coz I cannot blame them for the head of the household belief, nor are they ready to understand mental health awareness is not just spiritual issues that need deliverance. It is also a medical condition. But the old bias will be there.

Being a mental health advocate who train others, I felt stuck between medical truth and spiritual miracles... a part of me want to speak up on both form of healing to the other group... but it is so hard when come to mental health awareness. These laymen in the church are not that ready yet as most only choose miracles than medical... accusing the mental ones of being lazy, not motivated and need the words of GOD to wake them up to be accountable as if it's only behaviors or attitude issues. No... it's about the brain and its different sphere areas of control too.

And I hate it when others judged my Hubby for his mental condition like that. But I need my own spiritual growth and support too. So now the best arrangement is just let me go church alone... and these people won't see my Hubby and forcing him to conform to their ideas. I can and okay to be like the system coz I was trained like that. Not my Hubby and please don't add unnecessary drama or pressure to my peaceful marriage that I work so hard to maintain his mental stability.

This way, Hubby won't get annoyed by the strong willed faith based people. I do arrange less dominating people to come as befrienders to bring him out once a week then he won't get bored stuck at home with no access to the lift. Hubby needs a soft approach to socialize. The church might not be a good place for soft and gentle man like him. I really hate the thought of him being triggered by forceful personality people again. My Hubby's condition came as a result of being bullied in the army coz he's a softie, not one who like to bully others or shout vulgarities at people.

For that I am thankful, coz I too grew up in a very dysfunctional Mafia family and I hated strong language and violence. As least Hubby and I learn to unlearn our bad upbringings and now have a mutual respect for each other... and also have playful times goofing around when his mental is okay. What more can I ask? Even thought his mind can be up and down many times in a day, he has also learn to cope by just going to rest on his bed once he's feeling weird. I don't have a lot of normal moments with him... but I am thankful for the little quality quiet time we can have when he feel better to talk again.

My Hubby love our church's teaching but he's not good in socializing so he rather stay away from people as they will judged him. I can't blame them either, they're not trained with empathy skills on mental health, they will just treat him as someone who need to get serious with the words and changed his life around, like a project than treating him like a human. Our youth days they tried... the pastor even gave up and told me to divorce him. That's why we left... to build up our marriage the best ways we can give and negotiate without outsiders' interferences. This move did saved my marriage and till now, I have no regrets.

But as my health declined, I just want to get right with my GOD and serve in my church till I meet HIM one day, that's all. I never give up on my faith all these time I was away from church... just that my spiritual growth was stagnated and I wish to catch up once again now.