Putting aside my own problems, and reading the support group chats I'm in. Sigh, these caregivers also needed a lot of help dealing with their loved ones with mental issues. I decided to offer my home up for once a month sharing session in person. This way, I can see them and talk to them than just using whatapp to reply as I also need to cut down on my screen time.
One elderly man in his 70s shared about his demanding 30-ish years old unemployed daughter, who kept asking for money and shop online getting into credit card debts expecting the Father to pay. The problem with Asian concept is that they will not kick the children out to be independent. And this poor Dad has to keep spending on her or she will send threats to his phone all the time while he's working.
Then on the other side, a 50-ish mum will try to guilt trip her newly married daughter with fake illnesses to force the daughter to come back 4 times a week to stay home to see to her needs. The daughter shared now after she gotten married to a guy with good parents in laws who treated her kindly, then she realised how controlling and abusive her own mum has been to her. Instead of being the child in the family, her mum has made her to be the adult after her dad passed away when she was 16. She has to do everything for the mum as again, Asian culture of Filial piety became a tool for parents to use it against the children too. I'm not sure in western culture but in my country, Parents can sue children for maintenance fees to provide for their old age under the Family Court.
Sometimes, because of the love we held for our loved ones, we caregivers get stuck with all the manipulative methods these loved ones used against us. So I'm also still learning how to set healthy and necessary boundaries for own self care too. And this is something I hope to share with other caregivers who are also burnt out like me.
Most of the time, people only look at the sick persons... but they forget about the caregivers who are the hidden heroes behind caring selflessly for these sick persons. These caregivers need care themselves too.
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4 comments
I’ve been looking after myself pretty much since I was 15 so I’ve never really experienced the culture you are describing here. But after living in Thailand for the past few years it would seem there is a similar culture here where the kids are expected to look after their parents when they start work. But that culture seems to be slowly changing with the younger generation who are now just looking after themselves and not their parents so much anymore.
@Dusty_bawls02 We are similar, I also started to be independent on my own after my Dad passed away when I'm just 16+. But since my Mum died when I was 8, I had to grow up faster as I was soon left alone when my Elder Sis moved out due to always being beaten by my Dad. And even when I started to get a full time job at the age of 13 while also studying, every time I get my salary, my Asian culture was to pass all my money to my Dad, only getting a bit of pocket money daily for transport and a meal.
Here in Britain, parents can't take their children to court for lack of financial, etc support in their old age. Often elderly parents get placed in a residential care/nursing home - some call this 'warehousing'. It seems family ties aren't as strong here as where you are.
@SubWithBrains Totally. I agree with you. Comparing family cultures between East and West is very interesting. The former is far more collective and the latter is more individualistic.
It's interesting how these different cultures play themselves out in terms of the economy. Governments in Eastern countries, whether Japan, Korea and China, have fostered their domestic companies, whereas Western countries don't as much. It's not as if Western countries, even America, don't subsidise business, they do but they seem to care less whether it's foreign or home-grown. Any business creating jobs and making profit to be taxed is good. The East seems to have a different take on things.
Even in Europe, Britain is a bit of an outlier. Germany, the economic and probably political powerhouse of Europe, has a different way of doing things than Britain. The British economy is very tied into the global/American economy so British banks don't lend to British companies for the long term unlike German banks.
It's interesting that what you learn from psychology and philosophy classes is basically the same what I learnt from studying comparative politics and political economy.
@spunkycumfun Thanks for sharing with me. I always wonder about this too for the western culture, as older Asian people always scolded us for being 'westernized' when the younger Gen expressed about providing for their parents till death till we part. I also thought about it... in the past, Filial piety is easier as lifespan for parents then were 50-60-ish when there's no healthcare to extend it further. But now Asian people can live to a ripe old age of even 100 for some (like in Japan). So there's a silver tsunami of older people taking care of their elderly parents, which not everyone is healthy enough to be caregivers too. And when healthcare further extend the lifespan, there's the rising of geriatric conditions like Dementia with delusions plus behavior issues, which is even tougher for caregivers to handle. Really a lot of research to do and to train caregiving these days.