A fulfilling week

Been caught up with new class, lesson planning discussions and endless meetings over the past few days. So I was also deepening my spiritual life with a 40 days fasting (a meal a day) with prayers and reading of spiritual works.

My class is more like a support group learning for caregivers with loved ones having mental illnesses. I co trained with the main leader and thus, need to discuss the lesson pre & after class for evaluation as we have to be sensitive to some of the caregivers who are already burnt out caring for their loved ones. Plus, there's another new co trainee whom will join us in the next lesson so we also have to do a pre zoom discussion with him too.

And on Thursday, I was invited to a singing fellowship with the seniors from another older traditional church along with my Hubby by my therapist. After which we also get to go for a sponsored lunch by their members who brought us to his prestige country club for a great Chinese meal. It was nice to chit chat with the church ministry staff there too. My only concern was that I can't eat some of the food due to my dialysis diet. Hope the members won't think I am being wasteful. This is an area I realised can be an issue if I join others for meals. There will be people judging me thinking I am being wasteful as they do not have the medical knowledge of what individual sick person diet can be.

Their church ministry also started to co host with my charity organization for upcomng Sat Dementia classes which I am also trained in. They will like me to be their trainer but the class already had 2 trainers arranged by my organization and I'm being put on the reserved support leader role in case any of the trainers cannot make it. I told them maybe in future classes then. Beside I still need to reschedule my timing with another service provider for housekeeping if I really take up their Sat classes. Currently, the service provider is having manpower issues so that need to be settle first. It is not easy to change the timing and the case manager was away for a trip too, so I can't discuss with her till she's back next week.

Anyway, I choose to catch up on some of the important paperwork for the Govt agencies... and put aside some of those that can be done later. I do not want to over stretch my limits again, knowing I did have 2 breakdowns in the past week and that's not so normal. I need to slow down.. telling myself I have to rest when necessary and not to overload everything on myself to complete as fast as I like to. Somehow the fasting and prayers gave me more clarify and peace to let things flow... let The Lord guides while I do my best with HIS prompting.

This week my Christian church sermon was about St. Teresa of Ávila who wrote one of the greatest spiritual guides ever: The Interior Castle. She had a vision of the spiritual life as a diamond castle, with seven sets of “mansions.” These mansions go deeper to the center of our soul – where God resides. It was interesting to listen to the sermon... because just a day ago, I finished the snippets of The Rise of Hurrem in youtube... where before her death, she also started to give away her wealth, focus on her spiritual faith as a Muslim reading the Holy book in her chamber. As she said to her servant, "these stones and metal are worthless to me, but good to give to the charity works I started."

Yes, I'm also in that last season... material stuff don't appealed so much to me anymore. It was nice to go for the Award Nite with live band and people in beautiful suits and gowns. But that short moment of Fame only stay in photos or videos... maybe also in some of my interviews with the local media... but once I am gone after death, people also forgotten about me. Who am I? What have I left in this world that will make people remembered me? Maybe that's why I want to do more charity works, doing support groups to counsel the troubled souls... so I can still leave behind some impressions in my encounters with them. It will be better if I lead them to HOPE through my Savior even when I am gone. Yes, that's what I am doing these days. Even though it was a bit hard as my charity organizations where I volunteered are bound under oath not to share religion beliefs.

But there are people who are curious, and asked me how I can handle so much challenges in spite of my severe health issues? Why can I still smile and bring joy to others when I am so sick and wheelchair bound? Well, my Joy came from my faith in my Lord. I believe in giving thanks in all circumstances as written in the Bible. I choose to believe the hard times are shaping my attitude to bring me to a higher altitude in Life. I no longer delight in bitterness or revengeful thoughts... I just seek HIS Peace, do good works to help others around me and show them the supernatural joy and love I have as His Child.

My Pastor been preaching 'Zero Anger' as a believer... this is not easy when we felt offended or hurt. But I also realised... practising this help me to calm down and not seek revenge, or hide resentment which poisoned my own soul. I'm happier being the cheerful approachable caring considerate person whom everyone around me knows me for. What more can I ask? I want to be a blessing to the people around me too, to mend their brokenness the way My Lord cares for me too.

Have you saw the video recently when Bon Jovi dissuade a lady from jumping off a bridge? Suicide is still a taboo in my conservative Asian society. But part of my class module is talking about this topic, to build awareness as in SG, a police once said there's 10-15 suicides here, just that the local News doesn't really report much on it. Honestly for caregivers like me, the thought of murder cum suicide is even more common as caregivers get burnt out and might do something bad to end both sufferings at the same time.

To me, if I can be there for a person with suicidal thoughts and bring him or her back in time, I am already thankful for a soul saved. It's not easy, really... temptations from the other side beckons... and for me, the past few weeks of intense oppositions are telling me I am on the right path to help them to get away from these temptations from destroying themselves and the other end of the spiritual world isn't happy with me for stealing their damned souls.

But I will still do my best. As Matt 12:20 NIV states, "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he has brought justice through to victory." The meaning for this proverb is that Christ will not contentiously rebuke and persecute those that are weak in faith, or love, but rather will strengthen and kindle them using His own meekness and gentleness.

So it's not tough discipline that worked all the time... sometimes when a person is already weak in faith or in spirit, we should use gentleness and wisdom to strength the person and slowly guide them back to the right path again. A wounded soul needs lots of healing... and I hope I will be a healer and encourager to those that crosses my path.

Today is Sunday and it is drizzling outside... so it's a nice cooling day. I'll have a good rest today, eat well and recoup back more energy for another busy week ahead. I have my physical limitations but I am thankful that with internet, I can still do my zoom classes to help them in their own personal journey as a caregiver to their loved ones. And yes, I need to pray more to have the wisdom to speak to them to be better caregivers who also do self care too.

We all need to be self aware of own limitations and accept them while also not limiting oneself to only grief and despair. I seek to be their light in their darkest hours and bring hope to them.