Breakdown

The past few weeks of non stop issues... Elder Sis yelled at me for the laptop issues... Hubby too, yelled at me when the food delivery came late and the fries were hard like stone being overcooked... scammers posting as potential tenants sending threatening messages to me... saying all kinds of hateful speech... my paperwork keep getting delayed as this and that officers demanding more documents... then I send my functional form to my dialysis nurse manager to give to the doctor to assess (to appeal for my govt medical payout cut)... but was bounced back from last Friday till Mon afternoon.... only to find out they have given me a wrong email... finally send through but the next day upon reaching there, I was informed that my dialysis doctor refused to assess, saying I should go back to my primary doctors in my hospital to do it... I felt so defeated. I just lay there on my dialysis chair and cry my heart out in silence under the cover of my teddy bear and blanket on Tues night's dialysis.

What could have gone wrong went wrong the past few days... and I'm tired.

The past weeks went like this... I applied social assistance renewal to help with medical bills... old officer has resigned so the email bounced back. Finally reassigned new officer and she asked for my Hubby's mental institution/IMH one year MC as his current one is expired this month. Usually the IMH nurse will get the doctor to sign and bring to us. And this new officer only gave me a week to get the MC.

But Hubby's IMH nurse has also resigned... another staff covering the work. The other staff helped us to contact the doctor in charge. Turned out Doctor was on leave for awhile more. And this staff tried his best as he also told me he will not be covering Hubby's duty as there's a new IMH nurse coming next time. Already I have to cope with Hubby's mood swings as he's not used to frequent changes which disrupt his routine.

So I called in IMH Medical Social Worker/MSW if they can get any doctor to issue the MC and send to my Commcare officer. Till now, none of the MSW called me back and calling IMH always put on hold. So I approached my Family Service centre Social Worker/SW since 3 of them coming tomorrow for monthly visit. Asked if the 2 guys can bring my Hubby to see doctor. They said not in their SOP to do so. They said they're not trained to handle patient in wheelchair. So told me to get an ambulance to fetch Hubby to see doctor then.

Sigh... ambulance escort is not cheap... over $100+ per trip, not round trip. I do not print money, you know. The SW said tell the social assistance officer to ask IMH for the MC. But knowing how slow the IMH system is, that will affect our application as there's a 4-6 weeks in advance deadline when applying. If IMH don't respond, the govt cut off date will make the application void or I have to reapply again.

Well, I might have to undergo another arm surgery since so far the needling is not successful for the deeper point. My surgeon said next step is to insert a grate which will result in a 15cm long scar or so. And I do need the social assistance to cover for my surgery as they based on a family unit when applying so must provide Hubby's MC too. I'm already certified unfit permanently in 2015 so no need anymore MC.

Being sick for so long, I have learn to cope with endless rejections... I have gotten used to all these pushing here, pushing there in the healthcare & social systems. And recently even in church where no one want to lend a hand to bring me to church service on Sunday... Honestly if the Lift is done, I don't need to fret about on getting out ourselves.

But I am thankful that I can still depend on my long time hospital escort company manager PH from Homecare service to do a special last minute favor to fetch Hubby in the next 2 days after sharing my situation just now. Then I will cancel tomorrow SW's home visit so Hubby will go for his doctor's visit while I still have to deal with HDB on my new tenant.

A lot of scammers nonsenses after I posted the ad and finally got a more sincere one. However, his work permit is going to expire so I still need his company to give me a letter to prove they're renewing for him too. And this potential tenant think we owners are making things difficult when I told him this is the HDB/MOM rule.

Really can vomit blood when trying to explain stuff to workers not familiar with local law. And in their culture, they can sounded pretty argumentative, which already triggered Hubby. I said to Hubby, give this guy a chance. If he's not a good fit, then we can also let him go. At least let's give a trial period first. We still have $2K mortgage in cash a month to pay.

So with all these on going... I am mentally drained... and that was 2 days ago events... I managed to get the IMH MSW to get one of their doctors to write a memo... gotten the kind IMH nurse to ride his motorbike to reach me on time before my Tues' dialysis... so I can submit on Wed. I also have to call up PH to cancel the trip to escort my Hubby... and assured the SW that they can resumed the visit. Which we did yesterday afternoon but I was in a mess myself.

But the new tenant gave me a cropped off company letter which my HDB officer rejected. Then I can't get that tenant on the phone as he's in training... so I just goggle his company, called in, looked for his HR manager to issued the full page in PDF. I also emailed her after the phone call so she can emailed back to me. Finally I managed to submit to my HDB officer and now waiting for her to get back on the approval.

Now my brain is just so tired after my mental breakdown on Tuesday... I'm always seeing to the needs of everyone else... and everyone seems to enjoy throwing their temper at me when things don't go their ways... just because I'm the one trying to hold the fort? The SW also keep asking me that she know I must be upset with them for not helping... so let's talk about my feelings.

ENOUGH... I told her without looking at her in her face... STOP ASKING ME TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS!!! I HAVE NO TIME TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS... I have too much things to do! And feelings only made me sad and weak then I have no more energy to do other things that demand my attentions!!! I barely can sleep well with all the things on my plate to do. WHY STILL TALK ABOUT FEELINGS?!!!

Okay, I sounded mental already. Anyway, she also has to leave by an hour... so I just want to be left alone and rest... eat what I want and sleep after doing whatever I need to do. But my sleep has been bad... tossing and turning... Even my nephew who promised to help me to get to my Award nite next Sat by wheeling me also backed out last minute, saying his operational manager cannot let him take leave. I know my nephew well, he will take MC as and when he wants when he want to be off work. I'm just not important enough for him to do it for me. Or maybe his mum, my Elder Brother's wife also doesn't want her children to help me, despite I did house them for years when they were in dire situations with no home when my Eldest Bro was fleeing from his debtors.

Yesterday afternoon, I got an email from the nurse manager, telling me the doctor decision again... which I also coldly replied to them... I already gotten the form back from the other junior nurse. And w.e.f now I also refused treatment to needle my arm and please just use my chest tube. I also no longer want to seek the vascular surgeon on any further corrective surgery to make the AV fistula work.

YES, I AM TIRED OF CUTTING... I AM TIRED OF BEING USED LIKE A CHOPPING BOARD... I know their SOP is to use the arm which is safer than using my chest tube as higher risk of infection as it is close to the heart. So let it be... if it is time for me to go back home to MY LORD... let me be! At least I feel welcomed to lay on his lap and have a good cry and finally home with a new spirit body without pains, without worries & anxiety or rejection anymore. (as I pictured myself in that image)

Sorry, I know I sounded MENTAL... I just needed more rest... maybe eat some nice food and I should be fine after awhile... I keep listening to old hymns... church sermons to keep myself going... I was ANGRY that I always help others in needs but where are my help when I myself is in needs? Everyone just shy away, giving so much excuses... even relatives and my homie church whom I based my trust in... all shattered.

So I am questioning myself... why am I still so big hearted to serve when no one even cares a damn about me... sooo sad... sniffff...