Focused, not distracted

After I lost my temper as I shared in my last post... I felt my weak heart ached and I had to rest for over 24 hours... I felt bad for not practising the Zero Anger teaching from my church. Didn't Jesus also lost his temper at the temple for those people using the temple to make money? Then how can I, a mere human, not get angry at times too?

Yet, I ended up damaging my weak heart further when I get angry. Not wise or healthy.

As I went into a self-doubting, self condemning mode... I started questioning my worth... whether I am worthy to serve in HIS church, blah, blah, blah... I just want to serve others while I can...

And then my case manager called to let me know some feedback from her staff whom she sent over to shower my Hubby. But being a non believer, when she told me things like not worth to keep serving others when others will not appreciate even when I tried my best for them... I was a bit taken aback coz that goes against my church teaching to serve.

And I ask myself, why do I want to serve? To glorifed myself? Nope... I don't even expect the church or others to praise me sky high. I think I just want MY LORD to be please with me, and for me to share HIS LOVE to others and cheering them up with hope, that's all, a very simple childlike faith.

But serving can be hard when people take advantages. Still in my moods, the Lift upgrading team came to my door, saying about my neighbour's unit. They can't get anyone at the door so my Hubby informed them the neighbours rented out the whole unit to tenants. And tenants can't make decision so they usually won't answered the door. They then ask my Hubby to tell the neighbour to call their office. My hubby came in to inform me what happened.

Well, I do have the contact but I keep getting busy with other people's businesses for what? During the previous home improvement period, my neighbour just dump the renovation period to me to liaise on her behalf. I was so busy with her home too while overwhelmed with my own home reno and a cranky Hubby's whose routine been badly disrupted.

I realised maybe what the case manager said might also be a word for me... I should be more focus on my own things than keep getting busy with other people's issues coz they know how nice I am. So I told my Hubby, let the LUP team contact her or her ex husband through the housing department. We should stop getting involved coz this is their home matters.

Another incident was my Elder Sis came to borrow my extra laptop as her boss send her for a 3 day's class. She only has a desktop at home. After knowing my engineer customized this laptop for me at a low price, she asked if can do one for her too. Then she wanted a bigger size one. My engineer check his supplies and then ordered the spare part from China. However, after her class ended, she told me she didn't like the different keyboard settings as she's not used to it.

I tried to check with my engineer about it as I realised my Elder Sis doesn't want to learn using the other type. In fact she was so frustrated when I told her he already ordered and started yelling at me over the phone. So in the end, since my engineer cannot cancel the order so I told him to just charged to my account. It's my own fault for being busybody trying to help my Elder Sis, not knowing the demands she has.

In the night, she tried to tell me she was irritated coz she was trying to sync her new phone so she can pass me her old phone this week. But she had a long day of class and the laptop I loaned her she doesn't know how to use it, making it harder for her to practice in class. Sigh, why throw her temper at me? I loaned to her on last Sat and didn't she practice or check before bringing to class? She then said she can pay my engineer the money since he already ordered, but she won't want the laptop anyway.

I told her he can sell to others so she don't need to pay. I know her money concerns too. But I won't let her know I will be the 'buyer' to absorb it since I'm the middle person who ask him to do it for her. It's not easy when I already having lack due to a cut in the govt payment scheme.

Anyway, I treat this as a lesson. I ought to stop minding others' issues first. Let me focus on my own needs... I just want to focus on GOD... so I wish to just get the chance to go for the bible school. I called up my church again, as they told me to email but it's 5 working days and no reply. Then the receptionist said the person in charged of the email is away on mission trip or family matters. So asked me to have patience to wait or call back another day. I said I will call next week then. I'm not sure why my church is acting so weird... maybe they are really lack of people to serve... or they don't want me to serve.... ???

Anyway, my therapist from another church again asked me to attend her church senior outreach. She even said she will sponsor our medical van transportation. She just wanted us to go and make new godly friends, regardless of age. I think for awhile, my church keep not giving me an answer... while other churches keep reaching out to me. Maybe I just go for the outreach and see how first. It''s not nice keep rejecting this nice therapist who visit me every week, making so much efforts more than my own homie church.

It doesn't mean I give up my homie church... I think I will just let things flow while I go check out other churches. My therapist said I have this infectious joy and spirit that might bring some cheers to the church seniors. Why not? I do like making the elderlies smile! Well, I do need to start somewhere if I want to serve HIS people, right? Beside, we are all brothers and sisters in Christ even if serving in different churches. I will treat this as a friendly visit to other denomination. Who knows what other doors it might open for me?