Desires

In my earlier post few day back, I mentioned about walking on eggshells due to my schizophrenia Hubby having his delusion that I am 'insulting' him for fondling his dick and balls, a morning playful routine I do whenever we wake up to cuddle and kiss for awhile.

I know, his fortnightly psychotic injection is finishing... so a few days prior to his injection day, he might acted up again. So I had to stay out of his way in order not to trigger him. But I am a human too, and I have my own health issues to worry about... and all I wanted is just some assurance from him... but due to his mental state, he's often not emotionally available. So I use physical touch as a way to engage him to come back to earth, you know what I means.

As he kept sulking the next 2 days, I guess I already had enough with it as I was dealing with life and death decision on 2 surgeries discussions. I felt fed up too as I have been always seeing to all his needs and forgo my own needs all the time. So I told him this verse we used to know from the bible:

1 Corinthians 7:5 GNT
Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan's temptation because of your lack of self-control.

And then when he choose to sulk more... I decided to do the reverse psychology on him. I just said, "Honestly, you're not the only guy on earth with dick/balls... at this rate you are rejecting and hurting me, I can jolly well go find other men's balls to play with." And I left him at that. I still see to his needs, do the chores required... but this time, I avoided his touches or just coldly let him kiss with no response back. He wasn't used to that, and he knew he really crossed the line.

The next day he tried to whisper to me and said I can touch his dick and balls if I want, but I politely rejected (passive aggressive) saying I don't want him to accuse me of disrespecting him. I choose to deny my wifey's passion towards him but behave like more of a house mate caring for him without the romantic side.

I think he finally got it when he expressed remorse at his own folly as he said sorry, it was his own delusion and he shouldn't think I was really insulting him. I then asked him, how many of his middle aged friends now are separated or single? They didn't find a horny gal like me who still have great passion over a man like him, despite all his challenges. If not for my early teenhood years in my religion to show great love for my life partner, does he think he still has this great life of living without worrying about a single bill in his life? And a wife that will jump into bed and play with him all the time?

I tried my best to show him AGAPE love... trying to love him unconditionally... yet he keeps hurting others with words or deeds that he doesn't even have any true friends left. I reminded him, how many men he knows are well loved by family... nope... all the friends he used to have are always gathering at the coffee shop talking craps about others. With friends like that, he won't know how to love either. That's why I wanted to bring him back to my church one day, hoping to find good family men of faith to help my Hubby to learn to speak in love and grace too.

Honestly, I am kinda' of thankful he has a stroke in Nov 2022... then he can't go down to meet these people who are not good influences for him. The lack of lift access also made my care giving a lot easier as I do not need to worry about him getting out and followed others to do the wrong things in life again. I also know, these days normal people also didn't want to bring themselves down to serve others... as what I recently experienced in my church. It is True, the world has changed a lot since I fall sick and confined to my home. People only want to mind their own business and not do more or go the extra mile for others these days.

But I was trained to SERVE... and I felt like an oddball in this era now. Some may called me 'brain-washed' but I do feel joyful serving others and seeing others smile. Watching my online church services lately, it seems to me the church keep asking or even pleading for the members to serve, but I felt like the church now is more like a social club for people to gather than to go out and win souls. Until now, none of the pastoral staff reached out to me despite I called up the church office many times. It wasn't like this when I left more than a decade ago... what happened to my church that was so on fire for GOD in the past?

A part of me wondered if they sees me in wheelchair so deemed me not good enough to serve? Then they can be honest to let me know, I can then go in peace to go and serve in other churches that are welcoming me. But a small voice inside of me is hinting to me, it's the new era... those now serving in church are not trained in the old schooled way as me. And being much better provided than me, they are not effective in serving yet... so even the pastors these days dare not demand too much or these people might just pack up and go. It does feel like just a social club than real heart and soul serving church which I used to love. I'm just giving them a bit more time to see if things will change or if I'm not good enough for them then let GOD show me a sign to leave to join other church then.

Anyway, tomorrow is Hubby's injection day again. I did tasks with him today and he was in a better mood and went off to sleep. I know his love language is ACT of Service, so I helped him to keep the laundry together. After that I baked piping hot yummy honeyed sweet potatoes 🍠 for our tea time. Also baked simple barramundi fillets for our dinner later. 🐟 And don't worry, he's trying his best to not deny his body to me or he don't get to squeeze my tits if I also deny my body to him... haha, he finally got it that it's not right of him to throw some drama just because he's bored at home and trying to find fault out of nothing at all. We have made up!

Now my mood is like Proverbs !3:12

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

I really hope my desires to be rooted in a Cell group with a responsive leader who can guide me in my walk, plus building good friendships with other members for time to fellowship. So I can then learn the ways and go for the church bible school next year as planned.

Meanwhile, I just do my best to stay alive... still continue to show my little light in the circles I am in and be a joy to those that comes in contact with me. And yes, still making yummy simple food for people I loved.