Tired of his mood swings

Today is Wed, and I am going out to see my cardio surgeon in the morning to discuss on whether to implant the ICD in case my heart stopped. And then to see my vascular surgeon again to follow up on my arm for the AV fistula progress after their 3rd attempt in May this year on angioplasty to widen the vein for poking.

Honestly, I'm tired of these endless surgeries... I know the health care team wants the best for me... but my body seems to get weaker after each surgery and took longer time to wake up from general anesthesia over the years. I worried I might not leave the next surgical table alive, especially this time gotten insert something into the heart valves. And being considered as a young heart patient, I will have to come back after 4-5 years to replace it again.

Recently, I'm developing intolerance to a lot of medications. So I do not wish to go under the knife again in case simple anesthetics can even leave me in prolonged coma. So here I am, trying to plan for the worst (already engaged funeral parlour for final rites) while hoping for more physical touch for comfort from my Hubby. So I will be like normal, always showered him with kisses and then playfully gently squeezed his dick and fondled his balls for our normal couple intimacy.

But he suddenly got angry yesterday's morning and said it's very insulting to do that to him. And he was in this stupid cranky irritated mood the whole day, keep staring at me with hatred in his eyes like a mad person. Okay, I just kept out of his way. Even after I came home from dialysis last night, he went into this mood again... barely an hour when I called him from my dialysis centre and ordered food delivery for him as I'm concerned he's picky over the boring free meal from the community and ordered something he like. I always took such great care of him but he's just let his moods swing and throw them at me.

Yes, yes.. I know he has mental illnesses but I'm tired... it's like never enough to please him. This morning he argued with me over my playful habit again... saying I do not respect him, blah, blah, blah...

You know what... I wonder is this why a lot of men are turned off by their wives when the wives acting up like this? I told him, we're a couple and in the bible, do not deny one's body to the other so we won't get tempted by outside. He just say what's GOD doing in the bedroom?

Sorry, I felt no point talking to someone who just purposefully enjoyed hurting me. I kept quiet and turned to one side not looking at him...tears dropping down as I am so sad that he's so insensitive whenever I have important decision to make...he always left me in the lurch when I needed support the most... damn, the SATAN really using him to hurt me all the time. I might as well go ahead for the surgery and died so I can go back to heaven and leave this bitter life behind.

Then like a person who turned back to the past coz there's no future (with a person like that)... I took out the evil eye bracelet which was given to me by my ex lover DOST and clean it slowly. I have taken it off a few weeks ago, as I was having some rashes on my wrist area. I have never taken it off for the past 7 years except for going into the surgery room. This was given to me as a love token and as a lucky charm for my health. at least there was once a guy who lovingly care enough for me in my times of struggles with my health. DOST will always say good wishes for my surgery and very sensitive to me when I said I feel weak or not strong enough. He was an encourager in my life back then for over 5 years.

Seeing that I took this out... Hubby then try to touch me but I felt repulsed by his touch. He then say I can play with his crown jewels so I won't go and look for others to touch... but no thanks... I'm tired of him using this area to hurt me. After DOST, it took me awhile to try to find back the love for my Hubby... who only watches porn all days with no respect for me too. Did I even scolded him for his addiction, I just kept quiet and ignored and do the best for him all the time. Just because I have gone back to my faith now, Hubby use it to his advantage thinking I won't look for another man? Don't test me... I can still walk... I do have the means to travel out if I want... but I choose not to... but just to comfort myself with past fleeing memories of the time when another man cherished me.

Anyway, my engineer woke up and I heard him going to the kitchen. I went there to inform him of another escort of mine that needed some electric works for his home next week. Yes, I have been introducing my network to the engineer who has been very helpful in my home repairing and maintaining the house for me. So it's good he can earn some extra income for himself going to my network's homes for tasks like this too on his rest days. I do not earn anything from these recommendations, I only want the best for everyone, meeting each other's needs in a win win situation.

And at the same time, I asked my engineer to help me wear back the evil eye bracelet. I'm not sorry to wear it... it gives me much comfort knowing I am once loved too. And I'm sure DOST won't mind me playing with his dick and balls... haha... now of course he won't want that after that terrible scare from my mental childhood female friend who try to expose our relationship to his wife. But we did have sweet memories. Good enough... at least I know DOST looked forward to our intimacy together back then. I do not need to be around someone who use intimacy to hurt me.

Hubby tried to hold me just now and says he loved me... but I do not want his touch... I just sat there without responding back to his touches... and changing the subject to talking about later grocery delivery as I ordered his favourite soft drinks and snacks prior. I will be out the whole day so he need to be around the main door area when the scheduled delivery comes.

One thing I don't like about my Hubby... when I am 100% his, he always don't cherish... only when my heart wanders away... then he get worries and want my attention back. What for? Why hurt me like that? Why he wants all these endless drama? He doesn't know how to love properly at all.

anyway, I still have my teddy bear and bracelet from DOST... that's good enough to keep my company to soothen my wounded feelings. And honestly, the stupid thing Hubby is doing is to have me physical here, but my heart is not here by his nonsense.

On Monday I just went to visit my another Godmother. Her eldest daughter was staying there too, to help caring for aging Godmother and her youngest brother who has ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), a nervous system disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord. ALS causes loss of muscle control. The disease gets worse over time. They also have a helper to assist them at home.

Her eldest daughter has separated from her husband... their son is big now. It is so common among my middle-aged group these days. Couples do grow apart. I too, wish to only love one man in my life... but soooo hard when my man do not know how to love properly. I'm also tired of trying to find excuses and reasons to justify his actions, like saying because his whole family also do not know how to love or to express love like normal people... but dealing with it for the past 29 years and still counting made me really like walking on eggshells all the time. It is like living with a child who throw temper anytime he wanted, thinking I just have to suck it up with no consideration of my feelings.

Anyway, I have to get ready soon. Now is 7.50am, I'm leaving the house by 8.30am. See ya later. I got to go now. At least my teddy bear and bracelet gave me some comfort to face the two surgeons later.