Guilt Trip

I have been feeling a little down as I have to say NO to some socialization events lately. I guess my energy been spent this week... coz after every high (graduation last Wed)... the body will be crashing... especially when I have much limitations due to my weakened heart issues. Combined with the sweltering heat, I already had a few near missed fainting even in public when going out to church last Sunday.

As much as I wish to join the recent 2 main events with different agencies to meet other caregivers to share resources with them, a part of me know I have more important tasks at hands for my own home matters. But I can't help feeling guilty for not able to help them.

Plus recent discussions with my caregiver therapy with the young social worker from one agency is still not making much breakthrough... not sure if our values are different or there's a generation gap which she doesn't seems to be able to impact our discussion much after a year with her. Even she admit other clients even fall asleep in front of her in the discussions too. I think her views are pretty narrow and being young, maybe not experienced enough to sense the mood changes or needs of her clients, often referring to asking us to fill in the stress level form for just data collection? She keep wanting me to talk about my feelings... which to me, why talk about past feelings when it's not going to do me much good. Why this generation always want to talk about feelings??? I rather ignore feelings and get on with tasks to numb whatever feelings that upset me. Can't she get it?

Then I also gotten back with my gastric team's therapist (whom just return after her maternity leave) to work on my weight loss/emotional eating habit. Honestly, I lost weight... but not enough... I know they want me to lose more. But with my new med routine, I'm not alert and sleepy all the time... I tried to exercise but it is making me feel worse at times. I'm already trying to exercise an hour or more... but the therapist asked for more throughout the day... and I'm only eating 2 meals a day sometimes just 3 tablespoons of rice with 2 thumb size protein... but the therapist asking me to change to meal replacement or just milk diet to replace the main meals if possible.

Why I feel like no meaning to LIFE if I need to suffer more? Already I might drop dead anytime due to the weak heart function... can't I enjoy some nice foods once in awhile? I think I felt cranky for keep on starving myself to lose weight... without exercise, diet can only do so much. So I'm a little frustrated with this weight loss journey... from 120kg+ to now 85kg but still not good enough... Urghsss... sorry for my venting... I keep feeling so guilty if I wanna eat a bit of the nicer foods while I am still alive. After all, I also can't eat much with a reduced small stomach pouch. Can't I be happy sometimes munching on something a bit sinful?

So I guess I came to a point where I just felt overwhelmed with all the demands that I just refused to do anything on Friday yesterday. And even baked unhealthy sinful fatty pork satay and otak otak to share with Hubby. I'm tired of NOT GOOD ENOUGH... give me a break... been damn stressful all week already. Pardon me, I can't please everyone with their expectations over me. It's so easy for them to say but I'm already running low on my energy to listen and do what they want from me.

Maybe I'm also tired of the side effects of the new med routine... my moods are changing... I don't feel like myself as the med caused too much disruptions to my usual self. Due to the med's side effects, I no longer can see properly and almost sliced off my thumb recently... so I stopped cook but only use processed foods to bake in the oven... I can't stay alert for too long, or even knocked out after taking the med for a few hours... I even have problem walking under the influence of the med that slow down my metabolism rate. So now I started having problems with my bowels and need to take back my laxative med... which mean I need to set aside a day being at home for detox to avoid passing gases in front of others.

I wonder what is the meaning of staying alive longer depending on all these meds while not having the quality of LIFE I wanted? Will I be deemed a non compliant patient if I refused to take the med and allow my blood pressure to be high, my sugar to be high yet I'm alert, bubbly and doing things I like while knowing I might die faster? But I did survive 2 years with no med... something the medical teams won't want to hear.

Maybe the biggest problem is that I didn't want to upset people, so I always try to do what others want from me. It is a necessary evil for me to say NO even if people get offended. I am not comfortable to talk about feelings... especially when I don't feel the bonding with the therapist. It is a pity my dialysis therapist has left the organization. So far, I can bond with her quite well. She's not pushy and give me space to reveal what my inner thoughts were in our 3-4 hours session each time. The other therapists don't have the luxury of time so they can be quite pushy to get their agenda done in their 45 mins to an hour session each.

Anyway, maybe this month I plan to do more self-awareness to decide what to weed out from my crazy schedule that's not bearing much fruits and causing some rotting within my tiresome soul when I see them. I only want peace, not more conflicts these days. And need to learn not to feel guilt trap when I can't please everyone.