Just beat it

I just completed a month of my new beta blocker heart med trial... Carvedilol which is prescribed for the treatment of high blood pressure (hypertension) and chronic heart failure with reduced ejection fraction (also known as HFrEF or systolic heart failure). My EF is now at 35%, after it went up from 27% last year.

Carvedilol is indicated in the management of congestive heart failure (CHF), commonly as an adjunct to angiotensin-converting-enzyme inhibitor (ACE inhibitors) and diuretics. It has been clinically shown to reduce mortality and hospitalizations in people with CHF. The mechanism of carvedilol in heart failure is due to its inhibition of receptors in the adrenergic nervous system, which releases noradrenaline to the body, including the heart. Noradrenaline is a hormone that causes the heart to beat faster and work harder. Blocking its binding to adrenergic receptors in the heart causes vasodilation, decreases heart rate and blood pressure, and improves myocardial contractility, which ultimately decreases the heart's workload.

Unfortunately, I had many side effects... I think 2 pills a day, one in the morning and one at night was too much for my weak body to handle. Well, my normal high blood pressure of 180-190 went down to 150-160... that's a good sign it is working. But other side effects like I can't control myself and often knocked out... I can't see properly, hear properly or even walk properly... so I only took half a pill a day... but still very sleepy all the time till my Hubby nicknamed me the Sleeping Beauty for the past month. I'm thankful my dialysis doctor decided to cut my dose to only for non dialysis days (4 times a week to monitor further.)

It was tough to not take daily as my body is accustomed to it after a month... I can see my blood pressure rising on days I'm not taking the med and it caused much throbbing headaches in my brain. I had to take panadol sometimes to numb that pain. Then I'm a bit dazed too throughout the days. But I also have to admit, with this Carvedilo, it lower my hypervigilance mode and I felt a sense of calmness I didn't experienced in my survival mode and I do liked it too. I can speak slower, not as fast as a rapper or a machine gun as some people around me notices. And only through research that I know it's the Noradrenaline hormone that acting up all these days.

But since I can slowly managed myself these two days... without the med I can do some planning to focus... then rest well the next day as the med's effects took over... until my sexual arousal was triggered by that cute doctor's visit on Thursday. Earlier on, I posted a blog post on my nottie thoughts. After that, I decided to just let the devil play!

Pardon but I want to get this 'blue balls effect out of me'... (And I'm female but no balls, just trying to do a figure of speech on how it felt like, haha! I think you will get it. ) So I peeked at my Hubby who is sleeping away next to my side without knowing what I'm up to. I turned on porn site... watched a few clips and touched myself... soon I orgasm with clitoral stimulation plus fingering my nipple a bit too.

I smiled and sort of squealed with the delight that HEY, I still can do it despite my health issues! Lucky I didn't have an heart attack... lolol... it felt so good! Finally this sexual arousal perked and left! All within 20 mins or so... Niceeeee... at least I didn't go out and fuck with another man physically to get it. I said sorry to my Faith's Holy Spirit for being nottie for 20 mins, okay. I really needed a release from all that pent up frustrations.

Did I mentioned frustration? Yes, because I have been dealing with my Housing officer on an appeal... submitted many paperwork and after almost a month, finally they approved my increased capacity for more tenants. The deal is only for a year with 2 more tenants but an increase to $2K a month for my mortgage. I immediately posted in many Chinese rental ad sites on Friday night the approval was sealed.

But came weekend, not a single calls or inquiry! Damn, the Chinese market is so bad these days. But it is also true, lesser China workers are coming here to work... we are getting more of other foreign workers from the 3rd world countries to come in the health care sectors as SG is aging. China workers mainly work in the manufacturing sector which is phrasing out in land scarce SG. Healthcare don't really hired China workers as we need them to speak English to cater to the vast cultures here. I might have to consider opening up the option to rent to non China workers too.

A part of me is having anxiety if non China tenants can get along with my old China tenants. But to be honest, China tenants that came these few years are getting more demanding and their mental health seems to be a bit off due to they were stuck in limbo for 3 years in the pandamic, longer than other countries. The last newest arrival China tenant that left after barely 6 months with me almost went psycho on me. Very unteachable and a lot of his own personal issues too.

I do find those other countries workers I met in healthcare these days are more normal and less demanding. Maybe it's time for me to learn new cultures too. But my concerns are with my current health issues, do I have to strength and alertness to train new tenants into our home culture and rules too? That's the source of my anxiety lately. Sometimes I wish I know bosses who will just send their workers to me so I do not need to worry about finding strangers online to be my home tenants. At least company assigned ones I can go back to their HR if there's any issues.

This coming week still have 3 agencies meetings from Mon to Wed... then Thurs having my another doctor consultation via online... followed by bible group meeting on Friday. I declined the other charity support group meeting which clashes with my bible group again this month. Well, at least the bible group have more members and a more disciplined leader whom I can trust. Already this support group leader just asked who's coming? And I didn't like it when she asked on a Sunday's morning while I'm in church service. I know she's not from my Faith but even in secular world, who the hell disturb others on a Sunday??? It's rest day or family day for most of us, especially those working Mon to Sat.

There's a time to ask but not on a Sunday. I don't know... see how things goes... in fact from Sept to Dec, I can join the support group as there's no more clashes. But do I want to go to a support group where I don't feel it is my safe place anymore, as the leader knows my ex lover DOST? Plus most of the time, the members don't even come... only her favorite member will always attend and I felt like 'extra' over there too. Why waste so much money to engage an expensive medical van to go all the way there? For my bible group, I only need to get a hired ride there and at the end, the other nice members staying near me will send me home, saving a lot more on transport.

Maybe I just need to focus on my tenants matters first... then if I have extra cash, then I will consider going for the support group. I have to be practical. Everything is rising these days. I just gotten be in 'Beat it mode' to survive... ... be it in using new med trial or finding a group that really aids in my mental health too.

You wanna stay alive, better do what you can
So beat it, just beat it
You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare 💪

And yes... this song is on looping mode now.... ... I needed a good release from all that anxiety that's building up too, you know what I mean, right?