Nottie nottie thoughts

Since 'admiring' my cute doctor's physics on his rounds on Thursday... I went online to goggle his youtube videos just to listen to that cute accent of his. Awww, his smile warmed me up... why am I suddenly such a sucker to see his face and listen to his voice while he's explaining all that scientific boring stuff? Well, I do like his pretty eyes and empathic caring nature.

Even watching the doctor wearing a long sleeved well crafted tailored white shirt with black pant while lecturing over an hour video seems so interesting to me... oh yes, didn't I always have a fetish for guys wearing white top and black pant since my young days? Must be due to that Titanic movie where Jack joined the upper deck in that white and black suit that has imprinted on me of a lovely English charming gentleman. Something you don't see my countrymen will wear in this hot tropical isle I'm living in. And yes, my doctor did his medical studies in the UK before coming to SG. So that's that unique Englishman way of speaking which I'm very comfortable with.

But I guess that deep sexual repression I did to myself to avoid thinking of my ex lover DOST and trying to be a holy virtue gal came back with such a revenge! I didn't want to admit I was turned on by my doctor! I dream of him on Friday night! It was so vivid that I woke up feeling so sexual aroused! I tried to forget it as I felt shameful for lusting for another man other than my Hubby (religion & social taboo) yet within me, I was also upset that with my Hubby's current health issues... I also can't expect Hubby to meet my sexual needs too.

Sat went on without much hiccups... I went out for my dialysis and came home.. ate a bit of my supper and gone to bed. But again... that temptation came and I found myself tossing and turning in my sleep, longing to be touched. And I found myself touching and fingering while thinking back to all the sexual scenes... even with my ex lover DOST appearing in my mind... but I keep trying to push his images away... yet my body keep longing for more... it's like the angel and the devil trying to pull me to both ends... with the devil winning as I have not felt my sexual desires being met for a long time... as I hear my heart pounding away as I touch myself... I was torn between being a good gal and a sexual fiend wanting her desires fulfilled!

Then my logic wins over as I told myself, nope... your heart is weak... do you want to die by pushing your heart to the max? So after awhile, I stopped and went to clean up myself in the loo. But I felt so ashamed... didn't I says I want to forget sex and just serve like priesthood for my family's sake. Just to be holy and not think of sex anymore? I know in my faith, I have to be faithful to my Hubby only. But he's watching porn every day and DIY all he wants! To him, he said he did'nt meet any woman outside so he's faithful to me. Yet in my faith, even watching porn is sinful as he's already committing sexual sins with all the images he sees. Even DIY is sinful too.

Then that comes to the question, if DIY is sinful too... how do I deal with my sexual desires? I have been repressing for so long... didn't it come back like a revenge? I felt so guilt ridden that I didn't even enjoy the church service today. But also maybe due to I attended a Chinese service along with my Hubby in tow at the invitation with my bible group mate. I was tired and also distracted by having to see to Hubby's safety and needs... that I cannot concentrate well on the sermon, plus I'm used to English service all the times.

The Chinese speaker was using contexts not so interesting at my level. The topic was on going through tribulations to strength our faith, but her stories on her tribulations were minor normal issues of parenting... that's not tribulations, that's part of human milestones. I find it off topic... sorry... it's is like the middle to the upper class complaining of life to someone like me on survival mode who has gone through the worst shits in life. It is like the picture of an older wolf with several arrows in her back while this young wolfing lying there flat on the ground with one arrow... I felt like that old wolf... listening to a 2 hours sermon of a young wolfing whining about her 'tribulations' to make it sounds how important that will help the faith. Yes, maybe for her faith... but I'm too advanced in my 'tribulations' to listen to such whines. I'm not looking down on her, but these examples she's using doesn't touch my inner soul. I felt empty coming out from that service and honestly, I don't feel like going for next week as my bible group mate likes to attend the Chinese service when the Chinese church is back in the old church building.

I'm thankful to my bible group mate for coming to fetch my Hubby and I to the Chinese service with her ride. But I wish she can fetch us to go for English service in town instead. We are more comfortable with English. I came home and went to watch the English service online instead. Different sermon and speak better to my soul as I listen and weep. I felt touched as the sermon was on we're never left alone, as the Holy Spirit is our Helper with us all the time. I have issues with abandonment so this sermon speaks to me.

Yet a part of me also felt if the Holy Spirit left me or was it grieving when I commit the sexual sin by touching myself? I struggled as I couldn't feel close to the church this morning with the Chinese group. Yet some Christian counsellor says it's ok to touch oneself... but while touching, definitely our mind will wander to sexual stuff that seems forbidden? Then am I wrong to think that way? It's a tough question. Coz normal sex is only permitted between Husband and Wife. Anything else is wrong... very difficult... all these pent up desires... how to resolve it if my Hubby couldn't do it with me?