Being appreciated

During the HIP period, I was so stressed by my mentally ill Hubby that I said to him that I wish he will learn to be appreciative that I was dealing with the HIP every single details, while also catering to his every mood swings and also liaising with the rest of the household of tenants under my care.

I was surprised that after the HIP, as we shifted everything back into the original space... and also used this rare opportunity to sieve through all the storage and get rid of stuff we no longer need or use with help from a replacement respite helper and the rest of the tenants. Now with some painted white new walls in our master room and the kitchen areas. the whole house felt so much cleaner, brighter and not so messy anymore.

I also liaising with my engineer tenant to order more cheaper stuff from China by sea freight... to further enhance the house.. (more painting stuff to touch up, wallpapers, etc) Money is a concern as my appeals (to increase occupancy cap so I can rent to 2 more persons) to my current Prime Minister went unanswered. Sigh, I preferred my older wiser Prime Minister Lee who will always replied with a referral to the governing board. (maybe done by his team of staff manning the social media and his email?) But they will always replied within 3-5 working days. I still haven't heard from the current PM Wong yet. I'm still praying that he will be a good person to respond.

With so much on my plate, I can tell you I'm pretty stressed up. Plus the fact I just started back on my dosage of medications after a 2 years break (to care for Hubby with his stroke and his dementia Dad/my FIL), I can tell you that staying alert is DAMN HARD. The medications making me feel lethargic and listless, like a druggie mode. Yes, the blood pressure medications made my bp drop to a more lower range but I'm having side effects like ringing in my ears, one side might lose hearing like I'm underwater... my eyes are puffy and watery as my body is trying to fight all that weird chemicals in the system... I'm in the initial adjustment period and that's not so easy for me.

But I know, if I want to live longer... this SELF CARE step is critical as my blood results been showing my body is so low in all nutrients (as dialysis wash out the nutrients & toxins at the same time)...that anytime my weak heart can stop too. So when the last installation of HIP ended on Thursday the 20th, I just slept the next day (Friday) away... THAT WAS THE ONLY FREED UP DAY I HAD for this month... and to my surprise, my Hubby told me to sleep too. He didn't bother me and even baked some processed food for me to eat whenever I wake up for meal times.

Sat came and I got busy again... instructing our returned respite helper with some tasks. She kept making mistakes and I wondered what is wrong with her lately. Thursday she came back and while sweeping the floor, she broke my toilet big mirror I gotten for installation. Lucky it is about 8cm fine crack at the bottom right corner, which I used a decorative vase to put in front to hide the crack.

On Sat I asked her to change the daylight thin lacy curtains to the IKEA blackout curtains to block the sun that's shining into the bedroom, she said she dropped the metal hooks... one should be below the queen size bed which is hard to reach. Then as she went out to get the mop to mop the halls, I discovered one hook on the bed! I wonder she's not alert or is she trying to hurt us for complaining to her manager on her work issues a few weeks earlier?

Anyway, I didn't want to confront her as I still have a lot of things to settle. After she left on Sat, my Elder Sis came for a visit. Been a month since she came and well, it was better as I not only lend her a listening ear, I also encourage her to try to pray with me. She was fearful as she is still a new believer but I prayed for her first according to her needs, then she did a very simple prayer for me and I closed it up with verses from the bible. She was amazed as she said I pray like her pastors. Well, I'm a believer for coming 29 years... and trained as a youth leader in one of the mega churches here. My foundation is strong, despite I did left church over a decade. But what was taught in my youth ain't forgotten.

To me, I'm tired of volunteering in places outside the church due to most of the time, I can only lend a listening ear yet I can't do much for them. It just became like endless sessions of whining and complaining of what LIFE throws at them. But within my faith, at least I can pray for them at the end of the sessions, giving them a sense of HOPE for a better future. (there's power in unity/unified prayers.)

Sunday I went church on my own again, not troubling the engineer as he only has that day to rest. I went to meet the same lady AN whom gave me a lift home 2 weeks ago. I mistaken her for my group leader, which she told me she's only one of the members in my coming Friday new bible group. She told me our group leader in fact is the zone pastor's wife. Nice! That mean she will be a strong leader I can look up to too. I saw the pastor 2 weeks ago as he said hi to me when AN went to pick up another wheelchair bound believer with his caregiver. I think my church might have already arranged AN to be the one serving people with mobility issues by sending these members home after services. I'm thankful as I will save one trip's transport fee to go home.

This time I invited AN to come up to my home to say hello to my Hubby and also my engineer. AN said to my Hubby, she's very impressed that despite my health issues, I still make my own way to church not using a wheelchair (no one to help me to carry down non lift level to the lift) but by just a walking stick for balancing, and stopping whenever my heart felt painful to walk further. Hubby was also open to her as he was formerly attending our church too in our youth days. She tried to invite him but Hubby still has a little anxiety of being judged and try to refuse. Then I stepped in and assure Hubby he can join once in awhile, ok? And he nodded.

I slept the rest of the Sunday afternoon away again as I took the morning med dosage after coming home. I know med made me tired so I have to carefully plan when to skip the med if I have to go out or having face to face meetings.

Came Monday, I woke up early, did some paperwork to submit before I went out for my cardio team follow up. I do check in on my Hubby whose IMH nurse will come to give him his fortnightly psychotic jab to control his brain about 10.30am. Then as I made my way home, my medical van escort also need to pick up Hubby to go to the same central hospital for his first physiotherapy session. While Hubby was out in the afternoon, I took the time to be alone to focus on my paperwork and liaising with other healthcare projects I'm still volunteering with.

As Hubby came back about 4pm, I see to his dinner and still working on my projects. I also made arrangement for his next therapy session with booking the escort service as well. When I ended my discussions at 6pm+, I was too tired to eat my dinner and went to sleep again.

About 10pm, Hubby playfully nudged me awake. He sort of coyly complained that he felt so lonely that I'm always busy the whole month with HIP and all my works. But he already tried his best not to disturb me and even do little thoughtful tasks for me to lessen my workload. True, I did see him helping to keep the dried crockery or utensils by himself... even kept the dried laundry on Sat evening while I was out for dialysis. That way, I can sleep a bit later on Sun before going out for church service.

He then said because I told him he didn't know to show appreciation when others do things for him. He thought about it and also realised coz his family doesn't do that. Everything is taken for granted and there's no words of thankfulness or gratefulness in their daily communications. Being from a Buddhist home background, they were taught not to get credits for work done, nor speak flattering words, more of the type of solitary training to be ZEN, to be a quiet person in wisdom, etc. Not to be expressive or anything. So in his life, he thought no need to say or feel.

Not surprised my Hubby is diagnosed with negative schizophrenia, he's trained to be so repressive that he don't behave socially enough to be able to mingle with others. But with me, I'm such an expressive person that he is now learning to open up to me. He too, want appreciations and I know... so I always showered him with kisses and rough play, goofying around with him whenever I have some free time.

Only after I thanked him for all the tasks he did over the past week, Hubby felt happy that I acknowledged & appreciate his hard work (not easy for him to move about holding things with that weak legs of him due to stroke) and he finally drifted off to Lalaland after I shown him some affection and cuddles.

I also hope I have more time for him but this week schedule is full till Sat. Next month I hope we can have some time to spend together, let me settle the coming 6 meetings from Tues to Fri... I am out practically the whole day on Friday for Central hospital 2 follow ups plus I'm going to finally meet my bible group & the leader/pastor wife at night too. I'm also a little excited to finally meet my bible group to make new friends too. Hopefully next week bible group, I will have time to make some baked goods to give them a treat as this Friday I don't think I have enough time to bake after coming back from hospital.

At least I know my bible group will appreciate my talent in cooking, as the other charity group I met 2 months ago are not from my faith and they have strict food diet. I'm not their faith so they cannot eat my food, which is not halal by their belief. I also want to belong to a group that enjoy my cooking & baking skills. I too, wish to be happy in a group that have similar values and faith so I will have less toxin issues to deal with. Life is short, I just want more peace and joy in my remaining time on Earth.