Slowly falling into place

This year is my year of venturing out... I joined 2 social groups for caregivers... one group only catered to caregivers training so the loved ones cannot join... the other group can cater to caregivers and loved ones together for activities... they're really nice too but due to different diet rule, I know my talent in cookery cannot be used as they can't eat the non Halal food I made. I do like the value they have when they can prayed together for their 5 times a day prayers, even in their Caregivers Zoom meetings too.

But I'm not from their Faith and that made me felt a little awkward... so that started me thinking, I need to get back to my Faith so I can have my people praying together too. So I gone back to my homie church about few weeks ago and waited for them to accept me into a cell group/CG. Someone did whatapped me but the CG was far from my home so they said will search again. And thus, I waited.

The other Caregivers group with loved ones' Chinese manager did asked me to consider helping out in their smaller Mandarin speaking group as he too, can't type in Mandarin. I shared with him let me settle my home improvement program first, then I will see what I can do to make the group more active. I may be good in my Mandarin but typing in Mandarin takes a lot of time as I do it in the Hanyu Pinyin character by character form. Very taxing too. I will see how I can help contribute as he's also a very caring Christian working in the organization.

Really grateful that my ex Christian colleague made all the trip to meet me at the Community Centre/CC where I'm having my group meeting, despite her own health issues. Been a long time since I have another spiritual family member in Christ to openly pray over our meals together in public. And after fellowshipping and chatting, I just felt within me to ask if I can pray for her. Really been soooo long since I prayed for someone, and some more in a public coffee shop. After that she also prayed for my heart condition as I really hope no need to do the heart surgery. I also told her about my prayer wish for a CG.

We ended the meet up about 7.25pm as I then made me way back to the CC for my group meeting. After ending the meeting, I saw someone whatapp me to invite me to a CG in my west area, a lot nearer to my home area this time, I might just need to consider taking a bus there. Now looking back, the CG message came at 7.45pm. Haha, the verse Matt 18:20 really comes to pass! #PowerInUnity #PlaceOfAgreementIsPlaceOfPower

And YES, finally my prayers is answered and I'm finally back with my people soon. Looking forward to seeing my new CG mates and maybe can join them for services together, as it's lonely for me to go for Sunday's service alone.

Well, I have to make some changes though... in fact earlier in the day, I was baking for the caregiver group meeting and again, when the leader asked who's coming... half the class again not coming... I was so worried the meeting will get canceled like in April. I really don't like the level of nonchalant and always have excuses commitment level the other members are giving. To me a person in wheelchair who's living in a non-lift unit need to order a medical van transport to come all the way for meeting, yet the others just want or don't want to come. And if cancel, I also need to say sorry to the private driver who made the special arrangement to take me there. In the end, only 2 members and me turned up for the class, this time more than half not here!!!

I did noticed an issue... it laid with the leader. She told me she will call me to catch up within a week from the last meet up in May but she's so overwhelmed with her own issues that she didn't call at all. She also told us to bring in new friends to join the class in May, yet when I brought along my ex colleague and informed her about 6pm... she told me now it's the 4th lesson so cannot bring in new people anymore. I keep getting mixed messages till I am sorry to say I am having doubts on her words of honor. Yet I also don't blamed her totally as she's getting it worse from her widowed Mum who got the same mental condition as my Hubby. But unlike me, I can control my Hubby but her Mum will use the home as a way to try to control her as an adult child, as she can't leave the Mum alone nor buy a home of her own to stay away. Really complicated too.

Anyway, this once a month first Friday monthly caregiver group class for a year might clash with my twice a month NEW cell group nites from next month onwards. But no choice as CG only mainly happens on Thurs or Fri nites, and my evening dialysis sessions already took all Thursdays out.

So I told my caregivers group next month I won't be able to attend. The other following months will see how the schedule goes. Because the caregivers group always have a lot of missed attendants that even the leader worried the class might not go on due to the absence rate. But I did sense within me that the leader doesn't really mind me being absent as I sort of took a bit of time in sharing which she doesn't really like and show in her face. Whereas she don't mind letting the others share and take their times. I guess I'm a handful for her to handle, and the fact when I shared about my ex lover DOST's matters that caused me to have a thinking trap situation, the topic for discussion for the night... that shown in her voice too that she's annoyed with me for sharing.

Fine, this show this group is really no longer my safe place as my therapist said. I don't want anymore issues with her either if she's really involved with my ex now. I do enjoy the mental wellness training from this organization but there's an ego in her which I am not comfortable with either. She clearly pick favourite in the group so I'm okay that she go on choosing whom she wants to connect. My therapist said I need to have my needs met too joining a support group and if the leader cannot give me that support, it's okay to slowly move on to find someone else.

I see in this leader the younger version of me in my prime egotistic era... she's very full of herself and think that her own religion people only keep judging her... with a wounded spirit like that, she's already not liking me for currently getting spiritual again.. even though I have gone through what she's going now. Then in her search to be accepted, I'm not surprised she might even think sleeping with my married ex lover DOST is nothing wrong too, since her moral compass and her physical needs might overwhelmed her the way it did to me previously.

And when I was in that situation, no one can tell me it's wrong coz it felt so good at that time... very vulnerable to any man's show of affection, even if only bread crumbs for a mistress (limited time) and not a whole loaf, you know what I mean, right? That also fit into her hectic caregiver lifestyle since she's also emotionally unavailable to be married... so some fucking time and affections are good enough. So I can understand the sense of hostility coming from her. And honestly, none of my business who she or him wants to fuck, so I also want to be out of this mess. I'm only looking for new friendships and a venue to serve others with peace and love. This place is too complicated for my taste now. Maybe this happened so I will leave too. Or with my Taurus character, I always stay on a place forever due to my loyalty. But it seems this is not the place to be rooted at all at the present stage. Very different values...

Anyway, I'm so glad another door opened for me. And from my homie church ... Woo hoo! 😁 At least we will have the shared goal and vision... and mainly, if anything wrong... I can asked if we can pray over it than getting upset with no way to solve it. I rather be among same faith people so we can pray for one another when things goes sour. At least there's boundaries and rules that can guide us more.

As what THE LONE WOLF said in the expendables 2 movie, "Sometimes it's fun to run in a pack." Hee hee, time to get back to my tribe... I have been alone for too long.