Advance Celebration

I joined a support group for caregivers like me, who need to take care of their family member/s with mental health issues/special needs/dementia, etc. It is a once in a month meet up for a whole year, we will speak on a topic given by the leader and then do self reflection after sharing session.

This is what I need, for I have isolated myself in my non lift level home for more than a decade after I fallen ill myself. I do need respite time away from my mentally ill Hubby to recharge too. I'm glad to find this group, although small but it's great to learn from one another.

One of them also asked me why did I buy my own cake, by right they should celebrate for me. I just told them the truth, I'm always the one providing if I want to have people to celebrate with me. Really, no one provide for me since I became an orphan, everyone just wait for me to give then they will come. And yes, due to my Hubby's condition, he also cannot provide for me nor for himself. So he won't buy me stuff or celebrate for me. I have to plan for my birthday every year, just to have people come.

Anyway, I'm still happy my support group celebrated with me tonight. I miss mingling among people and chit chat. I did cried while sharing about caregiver burnt out which I experienced. Because tonight's topic was on suicide prevention. It is important to see the signs when one wants to harm oneself or another, then intervention needs to step in.

The ladies were able to relate more by responding back... while the guys in the group were kinda' of silent... guess they were not used to sharing deep emotional struggles yet.

Before we ended the session, they sang birthday song with me, took videos and photos to share in our private group. The ladies and leader were caring as they choose to wait with me till my medical escort came to fetch me home.

But while chatting, my leader suddenly asked me if I know DOST? I was caught off guard... she then mentioned his nationality in case I get the wrong person she's talking about.

That when the dam in my eyes broke... Ouch... so painful... so DOST is on the prowl again huh? How did she know I am a friend of DOST? He deleted me... is he now looking to finding vulnerable caring women like us again? So in private I opened my phone to show her his photo on my phone screen and told her he used to be my lover.

That shock in her eyes! I asked how she know him. She was so hesitate to answer, then said he's a friend of a friend. Interesting. She didn't want to even mention how she knows I know him... she only told me she was sorry to mention him seeing how sad I got... I just can't control my tears... damn...

Yet on my side, I told her he's a nice guy which easily make women fell for him. He also said he has many women beside me, so what can I say when he decided to ghost me? That looks in her eyes seems to tell me there's more hidden stuff she didn't want to say. I leave it at that, saying I realised I needed friends after he abandoned me. That's how I reached out to support group for new friendships.

I also told her I have to undergo one year counselling to cope with the grief after he forsaken me and lied to me, telling me to delete all our photos and videos to act as if he never knows me, by promising me that we will always be friends forever and can meet for coffee. But he didn't know I didn't delete the screen saver on my phone as I was too busy deleting from the pc and showing him using my phone to prove I did as was told. But he never kept to that promise and some ladies here also said I was being fooled by him coz I was so kind at heart.

And coz of DOST.. I almost wanted to commit suicide too at that time, thinking if I can be a ghost to go see him since he refused to come to see me or even reply to me. My leader's eyes went wide as she was at a loss of words.

Really, it is one thing to educate others about this heavy topic on suicide prevention, but another when a victim tell you what she's gone through. How can you advice on that? She's a single lady who has not married due to caring for her elderly mother with health issues. I did worried if she was mislead into a relationship with him? But then what if she also wanted the relationship? So not wanting to be a hindrance to any of them both, I decide to send her a message.

I messaged her I'm sorry to shock her after I reached home. If needed to, I don't mind leaving this group if she felt uncomfortable.

She messaged me back, telling me our friendship won't be affected coz of him. She told me I deserve to be happy.

Honestly, I wasn't able to really control my emotions on the way home, even my medical van escort asked me concernedly if I'm okay. I am not a liar as everyone know how authentic I am. So I told him my ex lover ghosted me for 2 years and I was very heartbroken. Then now someone else asked me about him, and knowing him, he must have left great impression on her to suddenly asked me about him. Guess his claim of depression might be his tricks to get empathy from caring ladies like us.

I also do not wish to judge him. Maybe he missed me coz I was the one who will listen to him for hours like his own personal therapist. And knowing I'm a lead caregiver in this organization, maybe he's looking for other ladies trained in care to be my substitute now.

Anyway, I'm still crying as I blog. Yes, I do miss him but DOST was the one who choose to ghost me and I don't want to bother him either. As I told him in our last message, I am still keeping his bracelet on my arm and the teddy bear he gave to me. I am waiting for him to keep to his promise that we can be friends and meet over a cup of coffee. But that's his decision if he wants to keep it.

As for me, I'm slowly moving on... to get back that happy go lucky... inspiring cheerful passionate Latino crazy gal I once was. Being trained in Latin ballroom, and the appearance of a funny witty Mexico doctor who sees me every month as a professional, I'm already thankful for this slight distraction to admire another Daddy like figure in my life in a healthy non sexual way.

More over, I also reminded myself of my strengths that attract people to me. I'm a good listener and very observant of their needs. So there's always new friends to be made. DOST should continue his life the way he wanted... and me too... need to get stronger for my surgery ahead on next Monday... and going back to the fun loving wild child with lots of passion for LIFE! Beside, I have so many kind and beautiful fans here giving me tips and advices too, I know I'm loved always!

Even when I can't see you, I know you all are online cheering me on. Thank you.

Yes, going have a blast celebrating my birthday as a passionate Lady in RED! Woo hoo! Who knows, maybe I can ask my cute funny Doctor to show me how to do the real Latino dance from his country! So much more I can learn from others who are showing me kindness and grace too!