Peek-a-Boo

Hi everyone, I have been away for a few months from blogging. Thank you to those who sent me sweet messages, letting me know you do think of me sometimes. Really felt appreciated in this community.

I do miss blogging here. But the past few months away did me some good, as I'm still coping with the loss of my ex-FWB aka DOST...not really the sex part, but more of the emotional friendship I built with him over 5 years. He ghosted me since April 2022 and that was so hurtful. The more I blog about him, the harder for myself to realise I can't let him go.

So the past few months not thinking of him, not writing about him, not caring too much if he's still alive or dead is in fact better for my own mental health. Plus the actual fact that this breakup caused my weak heart to plummage within a year from 49% to only left 27% working by March last year. (Even my cardiologist seems to give up hope on me.)

I took the few months' break to refocus my attention to other areas... I begin to start leaving behind the online world for awhile and go out to meet real people in the world for charity events or activities. I even signed up for support groups to meet others to build new friendships, a step at a time.

Nevertheless, time really do lessened the pain.

And for those who followed me in the old profile, I did mentioned that I was transferred to a new dialysis facility last year July and there, I met a friendly and kind Doctor. He's cute, coz I can sense he's a jovial caring type that I know can motivate me. Because I saw from his social media he's a health coach too, and after I shared with him my health history and my desire to lose weight, he was very nice to give me tips when he come to my facility once a month to check on all the patients.

Don't worry, I'm not eyeing him for anything... I know my boundary. I'm just a patient and we only can meet once a month and chat a few minutes for consultations, that's all. I think I looked up to him coz my ex FWB DOST also used to nag at me to take care of my health. Something I missed in my life all the while coz I am always the one caring for others. It is nice to feel someone caring for me by nagging at me again. And from such a cute Doctor with lovely bright sparkling soulful eyes too. He's Latino by the way. I'm glad as my love for professional dance started with Latin music too. (My tribe!!!)

I don't know how to describe, especially coming from Asian background where women in the older Gen are taught to be giving and caring all the time, even sacrificing everything for the sake of family, giving up one's dreams, desires but just to be the backbone of a family, slogging behind dishes and laundry... putting the Husband and others first, etc.

It was only recently when my respite helper MY (who come to shower my stroke hubby & do simple housekeeping for us thrice a week) observed and told me, she can see that I always let my Hubby eats first, always give him the best portion of everything while I don't spend much, eat last and did all the cleaning up.

What can I say? From traditions, we women always show respects to our Husbands as what the society norms taught us. Even if I earn more than my Hubby, I still say his good points so as not to let others use his weaknesses against him. I know I'm stronger mentally, and more capable than my Hubby. But there's times I wish he can show me more emotional love than me always yearning for connection in the wrong places.

But the reality with his mental condition, I also have to accept he can't show me enough emotional attachments when his moods swing. At least he's not so violent as most mental patients can be... he's the negative schizophrenia type... meaning lack of emotional responses. The negative symptoms of schizophrenia include volitional (motivational) impairment manifesting as avolition, anhedonia, social withdrawal, and emotional disorders such as alogia and affective flattening. So to put it in simple terms, you have a person who doesn't want to do or feel anything at all. And you have to stay in an environment with no triggers so he won't get into trouble. Once he's triggered, all hell broke loose.

In a way, with his stroke and now relying on electric wheelchair to move about at home, he doesn't cause so much damages anymore in his intermittent explosive rages. He also mellowed down a lot in the past year, as many older men in their aging years realised, their rages will only drive their partners away. Some domestic abused wives didn't dare to leave as their abusers will go after them, but now for my Hubby, aging is an advantage for me now as he don't pull me into his nonsense of police visits or courtroom drama to be his bailor anymore. I'm thankful in a way that his worse days are over.

Yes, I am always seen as a strong woman, a resourceful partner... but deep inside, I admit I longed for love and connections which Hubby is unable to do efficiently. I look for outside connections but after going through 3 lovers at various stages of life... and all ended the same... they can't even remain as friends when clearly, I was never the one to initiate the breakups... they're always the ones with all the excuses once they felt their wives or daughters are threatening them. I have always been in an open relationship statue but these players are not. They're just players, can't be real friends forever.

So here I am, not seeking anymore of these type of friendships. Now using my health as the main reason, I'm just seeking real connections for platonic relationships through normal social settings. So slowly, I'm venturing out to know more people in charity or health care events. People in these circles have softer hearts like me, and that where I can find my tribe to vibe with.

But of course, I'm setting my boundary these days... not to get myself into sticky situations alone with any opposite sex... because it can be my weakness. I can turn on guys easily due to my empathic soothing yet playful nature. At my current stage, I better stay away from anymore love drama.

Mainly because after a good break, my recent heart function just improved to 35%, the passing point that I can choose not to do the defibrillator implant as scheduled this year. So I'm thankful for the improvement and do not wish to have another heartbreak to cause more harm to my already weakened heart literally.

Well, I still want to live longer, lost more weight and complete more of my bucket list! Including a motorbike shoot with a Harley Davidson if possible! #StillWildAtHeart I just ordered a cute Race Queen skirt to motivate myself further to stay alive! Hee hee! I just need to find a cute hunk to take the photoshoot one day when I'm ready! #HavocDessingGal

What do you think of this Race Queen skirt? Nice? I wish to go back to my smaller size to wear knee length boots and strap-like black top with this new skirt one day! Ya, I'm still a wild child inside!